no more secrets and lies

I have undeniable confimation that they are still sleeping together. That he spent the night there last night. That she is living with April (roommate) who was out last night and that he was over there. No wonder he didn't want me to stop by to say hi on my way home from a night out with my friends. Not wonder he didn't answer his phone.

He and I had plans tonight so my original reason for calling this morning was to see when to meet up, "You're going to be mad." He said. I was quiet. "I am on call tonight. I traded with John." I was still quiet. I had really been looking forward to seeing him tonight. I have a lot of other things going on in my life right now and I still want to share that with him at some level.

It is very hurtful that he just changed his schedule like that when he knows that I am busy the rest of the week. I feel like trash to him all the time. He treats me like trash. Like I am completely unimportant. Like I am not even a friend worth anything.

My therapist thinks that it might be that he needs to feel somehow like the victim in the situation and he will keep pushing until I do something to give him an excuse to feel that way--like even just hang up on me when I called this morning (which he did when I asked where he was last night).

Or that I kept trying to make him better and he reached his maximum growth and then after that I just made him feel stupid and inadequate and inferior. (All of which he deserves.) "It's hard for me to be around you because you make me feel bad about myself and how much I hurt you." Well, yeah. "She doesn't make me feel bad about myself."

"Are you happier without me?" I ask.

Long pause, "No. You made me a better person."

"That has to come from you, Michael."

"I know."

I don't know what I want from him still. We tried to talk about it in therapy. I got the email I wanted. I guess I just want him to tell me the truth about his little fling or whatever (even thought he said he feels bad about it and thinks of me when he's with her--hmmm, not sure I believe that one either, but whatever). And I want him to say goodbye like a civilized human being. Not just ignore me and treat me like poop until I just fade into the distance.

My therapist warned me to not expect much from him. Cautioned me really.

Michael admits he has demons but doesn't want to delve deep enough to explore them and banish them. And I remind him of those demons. And that is hard for him.

I love him still--stupid stupid stupid. And I see he is headed down a path of destruction. For so long I was his protection that kept him on the honorable path. My therapist asked if it would be hard for me to resign that job.

I thought for a minute as tears continued to well in my eyes and the kleenex pile grew, "Yes. I care a lot about him and I hate to see him go down that road."

I was thinking this morning that he probably wants a trophy wife who will just be pretty and not push him or challenge him or compete with professionally. He wants someone who he can dominate. Who will let him get away with all of his weaknesses and insecurities and two-faced lies. That's not me.

He hasn't really even been clear with me that we are broken up. He thinks we would still make it it I ended up in Miami. "Really?" I ask with my eyebrows raised (this was two or three days ago). "Yeah. I care very much about you and it would be a fresh start away from all of this." In my opinion the time to start something that you see needs changes is always now...not to put it off. Not to say always, "I will be happy when _____ (fill in the blank)." Because you always ever only live in the now.

He is a lying disaster and I don't want to be with him.

I don't know what I even do what from him. I don't want him to forget me. I don't want him to lead an unhappy life. I don't want all of this cheating and lying and ugliness to be all that is left of us.

I want a goodbye. I want him to process us. I want that collage that he promised.

I want validation. I want him to be better.

I want to be independent and happy and free. I want to find someone who will be strong and honest in himself.

I want to be loved. I want to share all of my deepest darkest demons and still be loved and forgiven. I want to know all of his (not Michael--this is the as yet undiscovered "his") secrets and understand and forgive him. I want to not have secrets.