No one is loveable all the time

Just finished a therapy session with Dr. D. I feel somehow calmer after that; therapy is good. Could also be related the massages we had from massage students earlier this afternoon. Massage is good too. And I worked out; working out it good. But that's not really what I had to write about.

We were talking about why my last three boyfriends have been sort of bad for me. And even why other long-term relationships haven't worked out that well. Why I am attracted to these people who are "challenges." I think it's because I want to be able to help. I want to be able to fix them and make them better people. And in doing so become needed and wanted and indispensable and loved.

But then I cannot change people. I cannot make them into my vision of who I want them to be. While in the relationship, I can choose to see it through those rose-colored glasses and interpret what I want from the good parts and excuse, forgive, or forget the bad parts. I push and push to make them into something that they seem to want--or maybe just what I think they want--or what I want. Then they reach the limit of their growth and it all falls apart.

Instead of a help and a partner I become a bother and a reminder of the limits of his growth and strength. I become demanding and needy and just keep pushing. Then it spirals out of control. With Michael, I think the first two years were like that; I was there for him; he was growing and becoming a better person and putting his "playboy" lifestyle behind him for something that I think we both thought was more real and more permanent.

But then his fourth year came. I was busier than I'd ever been; he started going out with friends more. All the girls wanted them. And who was he to say no? Even though he had me. Weakness and "demons" again, Michael. Demons.

Then his intern year and everything hit the fan. He reverted entirely to "skirt chasing" excusing himself by the thought that I wasn't going to go with him to Miami anyway so why did it really matter after all. We were over, so why not have fun while he could--maybe that was his thought process.

The other thing he would try to do is blame it on me. I'd had my doubts...and those fed his insecurity and that fed his desire to be wanted by others and that fed his cheating and lying and manipulation. Riiiight. Dr. D. said that may actually be what is going on with him and why he had not talked to me in what is now eight days.

He can see himself as either the villain or the victim in the situation--and it's much easier on the ego to be the victim (even though we all know there is nothing nearly as black and white as all that). I of course am trying to paint him as the villain because, after all, he did the lying and cheating and sneaking around and manipulation and heart breaking etc. And that anger helps me get over it. I'm not ready to introduce the greyness yet. The greyness of pity for him and his lack of long-term happiness (if he continues on the path he is on) is what kept me from anger and that step toward healing for too long already.

And he's back in town today. I think. That sucks for me. I just have to pretend he is not, I guess. It will be hard. My heart and stomach and head are starting to hurt just thinking about it. I have been texting him every morning with just the number of days it has been since we talked. "One." "Two." "Three." "Four." "Five." "Six." "Seven." "Eight." And trying to call him at least a couple times a day. It's not good. It's getting to the point where I don't even know what I'd do if he picked up. I don't even know what I'd want to say or get from the conversation.

The only things I can think of is that I want closure. He tried to give closure to Ashlee and he can't even do that for me. The other thing that I might still need from him is validation that at least at some point the last three years meant something to him. That I meant something to him. I sent him a box of pictures from Snapfish before I took them down. I don't think he's looked at them yet. I just hope he doesn't throw them away. What I think he'll do is put them up in some corner of his closet because "it will be too painful" to look at them now and look at us happy and realize what he's done and what he's lost. Maybe he'll look at them. I don't know.

You talk to someone every day for three years and then they are just gone. I don't know if he bought a condo in Miami. I don't know if his little nurse lover is moving down there with him. I don't know who he talked to on the phone for over two hours last night when I was trying to call (he never talks that long unless something not normal or not verbal is in the conversation). I don't know. I and guess I don't need to know. It is not my problem and I have to let go. Let go. Let go.

So the new strategy is that now is that when I feel like calling him I think about what it is that I really want from him--and will he give it to me? No, almost certainly not. So I have to see where else I can get that--from friends (who have been wonderful, probably).

Then there is the dependency issue. I have to be more independent. I'm still staying with S. and she leaves the country in three weeks for an entire month. I need to get out of this city. I can't be here with him here and me here and I have to figure out how to be alone eventually. I just don't feel quite ready...hopefully in three weeks. That is the next goal of therapy.

Also the match coming up. Monday we will find out whether or not we match. Thursday we will find out where. The day begins at 11:30. It will be stressful. I think I'll have to take some of my benzos for that--most of my other classmates will go with something a little more liquid I think.

Next the question of worth--am I worth loving, given all this? The men who I have loved the most (outside of my family) have decided for whatever reason that it was not working out. My issue? Theirs? Ours? Makes me wonder. No one is loveable all the time.