Strong Enough? Getting there
Went for a run this morning. Yes, it was the route we used to run together where I hurt my hand but I went the opposite direction. Have been on the ellipitcal so much lately that running felt hard. Better get back to it.
Had another melt down last night. He got back into town yesterday morning. I was actually doing really well all day; hadn't called. Did drive by his place and see that he was back. Course then he wouldn't answer when I did call that evening. I started to get anxious and desperate feeling again. I left S. and came to my place to...i don't know what. And started texting and calling his friends. I don't know what I wanted. I know he ran back to her as soon as he got back into town. He had some pictures that he wanted to give her (of her drunk and sloppy on his floor--lovely--strangely on the same roll as me looking way better and nicer and more wholesome if I do say so myself). Probably spent the night there last night, too. What an ass!
Anyway, he finally texted back "What do you want." "Call me at home." "I just got back. I am out. I will call you tomorrow. Do not be mean." ME do not be mean?!? Okaaay. He has been mean to me for months, if not years. Does he just choose not to see how much he has hurt me. My therapist said that it was probably kinder of him to just not call me or give me any encouragement anymore. Yeah, probably. I did feel better when he was gone. I wish he were still gone. I wish he had always been gone.
Anyway, at my palce, I ended up just crying on my bed. Eventually got it out and S. came to check on me and brought my sleeping meds over. Talked to my brother, B. and then mom read me to sleep over the phone. "Goodnight Moon" and "The Lorax." I slept pretty well until I woke up at seven am. That's okay though. At least I made one night through at my own place and woke up feeling a little better.
He was trouble from the beginning. He was dating someone when we met--Amy (all his little girlies seem to have names that start with A--there was actually at least three Amys). Then just recently I found out he started seeing someone in December of that first year we were together--even wanted leather pants for the outing--yuck! She blew him off a bit, so it was back to me even then. And then he blamed that on me, too, when I visited my ex boyfriends home on Christmas break. "s. you broke my heart. i just want you to know that." I believed him for so stinking long.
He is only good at being a playboy and a snake. I really do think he tried for a while to be better when he started to realize that I was good for him and could "save him from himself and his demons." Course anyone with any insight at all knows that you have to save yourself from your own demons. Just like I have to get through my own pain and hurt and trust again.
My friend J. texted last night after I asked him why I still loved the asshole and let him feel so much pain "Because you were really happy with him and you miss that. But he will n ever make you feel that way again. so that is why." "I'd take your pain away if I could." But like I said, the pain is mine to have and to banish...hopefully sooner rather than later.
Our med-school mom knew Michael before me (since he is a year ahead). She gave me funny looks when she found out we were together and knew I would pick stuff up and run errands for him. "Why are you doing that?" "Does he do nice things for you?" I could think of a few then, "He does the dishes sometimes; sometimes he gets me flowers." She is not one to interfere, nor would I have listened to her then. But everyone knew it was not a good match.
Even me. I thought it would be fun for a while. Then he started to show me some of his deeper self and I started to hope to help him and I started to love him. Love. And I think he really did start to love me. For a while. Maybe still does. Just sucks at showing it and is stupid and short-sighted. He will never find anyone like me again.
Even him. When I saw him for the first time after I found out about his affair he said, "I never deserved you anyway." Turned out he was right I guess. Even though I argued with him at the time. That if I'd felt that way I wouldn't have stayed with him for so long.
On my run this morning, I thought of other things to add to the "anti-list":
1. He wants a big brick massive wall around his house with a huge yard to block the rest of the world out. I want to let the rest of the world in.
2. He would "joke" (but maybe not joking) about giving our (never to be now) kids when they are teenagers a $20 and the car keys when they start to pester him or get in his way.
3. He would also mention that he wanted a sports car with only one seat--just for him. "No place for me." "No." Then he'd look at me and realize for a second how stupid and selfish and ridiculous that sounded and change his mind, "Okay you can come sometimes but you can never drive it." Nice, jerk face.
So as I was getting out of the shower this morning after my run. What song should come one but my classic break up song. Now don't laugh: Cher, "Strong Enough"
Artist: Cher
Song: Strong enough
Album: Believe
[" Believe " CD]
I don't need your sympathy
There's nothing you can say or do for me
And I don't want a miracle
You'll never change for no-one
And I hear your reasons why
Where did you sleep last night?
And was she worth it, was she worth it?
Cause I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough, now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go
There's no more to say
So save your breath and walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go
So you feel misunderstood
Baby have I got news for you
On being used, I could write a book
But you don't wanna hear about it
Cause I've been losing sleep
And you've been going cheap
And she ain't worth half of me, it's true
Now I'm telling you
That I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough, now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go
Come hell or waters high
You'll never see me cry
This is our last goodbye, it's true
I'm telling you
Now I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough, now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go
There's no more to say
So save your breath and walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go
In reality I am not always strong enough. But I try to be stronger more often than not. And it is getting easier. There is someone wonderful and true and fine out there for me. This I believe. One true thing.
Had another melt down last night. He got back into town yesterday morning. I was actually doing really well all day; hadn't called. Did drive by his place and see that he was back. Course then he wouldn't answer when I did call that evening. I started to get anxious and desperate feeling again. I left S. and came to my place to...i don't know what. And started texting and calling his friends. I don't know what I wanted. I know he ran back to her as soon as he got back into town. He had some pictures that he wanted to give her (of her drunk and sloppy on his floor--lovely--strangely on the same roll as me looking way better and nicer and more wholesome if I do say so myself). Probably spent the night there last night, too. What an ass!
Anyway, he finally texted back "What do you want." "Call me at home." "I just got back. I am out. I will call you tomorrow. Do not be mean." ME do not be mean?!? Okaaay. He has been mean to me for months, if not years. Does he just choose not to see how much he has hurt me. My therapist said that it was probably kinder of him to just not call me or give me any encouragement anymore. Yeah, probably. I did feel better when he was gone. I wish he were still gone. I wish he had always been gone.
Anyway, at my palce, I ended up just crying on my bed. Eventually got it out and S. came to check on me and brought my sleeping meds over. Talked to my brother, B. and then mom read me to sleep over the phone. "Goodnight Moon" and "The Lorax." I slept pretty well until I woke up at seven am. That's okay though. At least I made one night through at my own place and woke up feeling a little better.
He was trouble from the beginning. He was dating someone when we met--Amy (all his little girlies seem to have names that start with A--there was actually at least three Amys). Then just recently I found out he started seeing someone in December of that first year we were together--even wanted leather pants for the outing--yuck! She blew him off a bit, so it was back to me even then. And then he blamed that on me, too, when I visited my ex boyfriends home on Christmas break. "s. you broke my heart. i just want you to know that." I believed him for so stinking long.
He is only good at being a playboy and a snake. I really do think he tried for a while to be better when he started to realize that I was good for him and could "save him from himself and his demons." Course anyone with any insight at all knows that you have to save yourself from your own demons. Just like I have to get through my own pain and hurt and trust again.
My friend J. texted last night after I asked him why I still loved the asshole and let him feel so much pain "Because you were really happy with him and you miss that. But he will n ever make you feel that way again. so that is why." "I'd take your pain away if I could." But like I said, the pain is mine to have and to banish...hopefully sooner rather than later.
Our med-school mom knew Michael before me (since he is a year ahead). She gave me funny looks when she found out we were together and knew I would pick stuff up and run errands for him. "Why are you doing that?" "Does he do nice things for you?" I could think of a few then, "He does the dishes sometimes; sometimes he gets me flowers." She is not one to interfere, nor would I have listened to her then. But everyone knew it was not a good match.
Even me. I thought it would be fun for a while. Then he started to show me some of his deeper self and I started to hope to help him and I started to love him. Love. And I think he really did start to love me. For a while. Maybe still does. Just sucks at showing it and is stupid and short-sighted. He will never find anyone like me again.
Even him. When I saw him for the first time after I found out about his affair he said, "I never deserved you anyway." Turned out he was right I guess. Even though I argued with him at the time. That if I'd felt that way I wouldn't have stayed with him for so long.
On my run this morning, I thought of other things to add to the "anti-list":
1. He wants a big brick massive wall around his house with a huge yard to block the rest of the world out. I want to let the rest of the world in.
2. He would "joke" (but maybe not joking) about giving our (never to be now) kids when they are teenagers a $20 and the car keys when they start to pester him or get in his way.
3. He would also mention that he wanted a sports car with only one seat--just for him. "No place for me." "No." Then he'd look at me and realize for a second how stupid and selfish and ridiculous that sounded and change his mind, "Okay you can come sometimes but you can never drive it." Nice, jerk face.
So as I was getting out of the shower this morning after my run. What song should come one but my classic break up song. Now don't laugh: Cher, "Strong Enough"
Artist: Cher
Song: Strong enough
Album: Believe
[" Believe " CD]
I don't need your sympathy
There's nothing you can say or do for me
And I don't want a miracle
You'll never change for no-one
And I hear your reasons why
Where did you sleep last night?
And was she worth it, was she worth it?
Cause I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough, now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go
There's no more to say
So save your breath and walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go
So you feel misunderstood
Baby have I got news for you
On being used, I could write a book
But you don't wanna hear about it
Cause I've been losing sleep
And you've been going cheap
And she ain't worth half of me, it's true
Now I'm telling you
That I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough, now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go
Come hell or waters high
You'll never see me cry
This is our last goodbye, it's true
I'm telling you
Now I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough, now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go
There's no more to say
So save your breath and walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go
In reality I am not always strong enough. But I try to be stronger more often than not. And it is getting easier. There is someone wonderful and true and fine out there for me. This I believe. One true thing.
posted by S. at 7:23 AM
2 Comments:
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
You are the prettiest;
You are the hummingbird;
You have the prettiest smile;
You are strong in your convictions;
You are honest and straightforward;
You are the pillar strength of the Kliensteker family.
You are independent and yet sensitive to the needs of others,
You are willing to listen, yet never pretend to have all the answers,
You accept the things you cannot change with wisdom and grace,
You show a gentle smile and laugh when it’s needed the most.
You have a calming presence in the face of confusion,
You have an invaluable and innate gift for caring,
You share kindness when comfort is called for,
You can brighten a day just by being Shawna.
You are looking sharp and strong.
You will be stronger,
You will.
You will.
Our Hummingbird is flying again.
It is a new day,
The sun is lord and master.
Crops standing majestically, dancing, welcoming the wind.
And our hummingbird is flying again.
…..
......
......
Post a Comment
<< Home