The Anti-List
So back in December, when I was on holiday break at my parents house and missing Mike desperately and we were trying to figure out how to work through that disaster and come out stronger (well, in retrospect, I guess I was trying to work through it; who knows what he was up to “S., just wait until you’re back.” “S. just wait until your rank list is in.” “S. just wait until after Match Day.” “We need to let the dust settle.” Whatever.) Anyway, I was trying to think of all the good things about him—all the things that I loved about him and tell him that and made a huge list of those things and the things that I needed from him for this to work, etc.
This is going to be the anti-list—all of the things that I don’t like about him—or didn’t like about him. Or something. I still haven’t heard from him in what is now seven days. No text, email, phone call, nothing. If he is staying with Ashlee, at least he could tell me goodbye—but maybe that would be worse for me now anyway. When he stopped seeing her to be with me, he at least told her. Of course he always told her before me (lying apparently) that he and I were broken up. She seemed to be under that impression all along. Despite him telling me he wanted me back and loved me and not her and that she was a fling and “just a good friend” now. Oh, the lies!
1. I was talking with S. today about warmth that people has—he has very little of that warmth. Kindness to strangers—not in his nature. He’d pass people in the halls at school and not acknowledge their presences. I used to blame in on shyness. He just doesn’t not radiate warmth, though.
2. I didn’t like that he would go out and get so drunk and not come home. “I don’t want you to see me like that,” he’d say. If he was so embarrassed about being that way, why did he keep doing it. It was part of the beginning of his spiral down and away from me.
3. “I need alone time.” This one I partially understand, but he was so insistant and inflexible about it even when I really just wanted to be near him and have a quiet evening together.
4. He’d get all dressed up and sexy to go out for a night with his friends. He wore his new shoes out with them and would put on the old ones when we went out to dinner. He still looked nice, but didn’t seem to want to put his best foot forward for me.
5. “I shouldn’t have to impress you anymore.” “I shouldn’t have to prove anything to you.” He didn’t understand that relationships are constant give and take and little showings of love. He took me for granted, then thought I was leaving, then didn’t talk to me about it, then drove me away.
6. He was distant from me. He wouldn’t share what he was feeling or going through. He wouldn’t let me help him when I knew he was depressed.
7. When we first moved in together I knew he was on a hard rotation so I did little things for him—returned his pager, made dinner, got him a light that he needed, etc. He didn’t really even seem to appreciate them. “You shouldn’t get me things,” he’d sometimes say. I think he was already behaving badly at work (hitting on nurses, coworkers, etc) and felt guilty that I was still kind to him because he knew that he didn’t deserve it—that he didn’t deserve me.
8. He didn’t get me anything for Christmas. Nor write to me during his break. No card; nothing. I got him a few things. And got his Valentine’s day gift. Nothing from him. Flowers and dinner for my birthday (October) just before he started cheating on me.
9. Sometimes when we were living together he’d walk by where I was sitting and I’d reach out to touch his and for a minute or pause to kiss him. He’d walk in a larger circle around to avoid me.
10. When I started feeling like things were bad even before he started cheating and I was looking for a place, all he would ask me everyday was, “When are you moving out?” Perhaps he wanted his little love-nest with her. Perhaps he wanted his bachelor pad. He wanted rid of me—or that’s how it felt—and that’s how it seems now in hindsight.
11. When I left for interviews he didn’t want to take me to the airport.
12. When he picked me up, he didn’t want to be waiting, but just drove by to get me.
13. We used to hold hands when we would go out to dinner; he stopped wanting to do that.
14. He never liked to kiss me in public.
15. He didn’t talk with his friends much about me. I never knew is he respected me when I wasn’t there or just thought of me as the old “ball and chain”
16. He never said he loved me without my asking him to…even from the very beginning.
17. He liked to play his video games more than be with me more often than not.
18. He wouldn’t call me when he said he was going to (many many times).
19. He wouldn’t call if he was going to be late.
20. Sometimes he wouldn’t call at all. If I didn’t call him we just wouldn’t talk.
21. He wouldn’t answer his phone when he saw that it was me calling just because he didn’t feel like talking to me.
22. He locked me out of his apartment and his life, even when I kept knocking and knocking to be let in.
23. He physically drug me down the stairs once. (txt: "I am so sorry about what happened last night" Dec 3, 2005. 1:16 pm)
24. He threw me against the wall once and called me a “bitch.”
25. Whenever I got upset he never knew what to do so he would just remove himself from the situation until it was over and I was “better.” To be fair, sometimes he would hold me and that helped. Sometimes he could be a comfort. Apparently, a comfort to more people than just me.
26. I found his old phone that he used to have before October of 2004 and it had tons of girls numbers in it. I can just imagine him getting them at bars. He said he couldn’t even remember who they all were. He was sure it was all when we were on a “break.” Just a player at heart I guess. Even if he was better for the first couple years of our relationship. I couldn’t hold him together. He had to do that himself.
27. He stopped liking to go to the symphony with me.
28. He stopped liking to do much of anything with me.
29. His little free time was spent playing video games or going out with friends.
30. Apparently his free time on call nights was spent talking to nurses, esp. Ashlee.
31. When I would do well in rotations or win an award, his first comment, was usually something like, "Well, of couse, because you're a girl." or "because you are nice." or "that doesn't really mean that much anyway." "you're just a better test taker." I'd have to drag it out of him that he was proud of me. I don't even ever really know if he genuinelly was or if he was more just jealous and intimidated and threatened.
I'm sure there will be more. I have to focus on this stuff because it hurts too much to remember the happy times that will never be again--and that might be tainted forever by the bad times. I don't know what to do with myself all of the time. There are so many empty minutes and plans and months now. It will get better.
I have more love to give than he was able to accept. And he has less love to give than I need. That was not a good match to begin with. I thought he would change. For a while maybe he did. Maybe he was growing and maybe I did make him a better person...for a while. But in the end, it felt like he made me a smaller person in some ways. Made me feel unimportant. And him being any sort of different person that the one that he has become has to come from him...
This is going to be the anti-list—all of the things that I don’t like about him—or didn’t like about him. Or something. I still haven’t heard from him in what is now seven days. No text, email, phone call, nothing. If he is staying with Ashlee, at least he could tell me goodbye—but maybe that would be worse for me now anyway. When he stopped seeing her to be with me, he at least told her. Of course he always told her before me (lying apparently) that he and I were broken up. She seemed to be under that impression all along. Despite him telling me he wanted me back and loved me and not her and that she was a fling and “just a good friend” now. Oh, the lies!
1. I was talking with S. today about warmth that people has—he has very little of that warmth. Kindness to strangers—not in his nature. He’d pass people in the halls at school and not acknowledge their presences. I used to blame in on shyness. He just doesn’t not radiate warmth, though.
2. I didn’t like that he would go out and get so drunk and not come home. “I don’t want you to see me like that,” he’d say. If he was so embarrassed about being that way, why did he keep doing it. It was part of the beginning of his spiral down and away from me.
3. “I need alone time.” This one I partially understand, but he was so insistant and inflexible about it even when I really just wanted to be near him and have a quiet evening together.
4. He’d get all dressed up and sexy to go out for a night with his friends. He wore his new shoes out with them and would put on the old ones when we went out to dinner. He still looked nice, but didn’t seem to want to put his best foot forward for me.
5. “I shouldn’t have to impress you anymore.” “I shouldn’t have to prove anything to you.” He didn’t understand that relationships are constant give and take and little showings of love. He took me for granted, then thought I was leaving, then didn’t talk to me about it, then drove me away.
6. He was distant from me. He wouldn’t share what he was feeling or going through. He wouldn’t let me help him when I knew he was depressed.
7. When we first moved in together I knew he was on a hard rotation so I did little things for him—returned his pager, made dinner, got him a light that he needed, etc. He didn’t really even seem to appreciate them. “You shouldn’t get me things,” he’d sometimes say. I think he was already behaving badly at work (hitting on nurses, coworkers, etc) and felt guilty that I was still kind to him because he knew that he didn’t deserve it—that he didn’t deserve me.
8. He didn’t get me anything for Christmas. Nor write to me during his break. No card; nothing. I got him a few things. And got his Valentine’s day gift. Nothing from him. Flowers and dinner for my birthday (October) just before he started cheating on me.
9. Sometimes when we were living together he’d walk by where I was sitting and I’d reach out to touch his and for a minute or pause to kiss him. He’d walk in a larger circle around to avoid me.
10. When I started feeling like things were bad even before he started cheating and I was looking for a place, all he would ask me everyday was, “When are you moving out?” Perhaps he wanted his little love-nest with her. Perhaps he wanted his bachelor pad. He wanted rid of me—or that’s how it felt—and that’s how it seems now in hindsight.
11. When I left for interviews he didn’t want to take me to the airport.
12. When he picked me up, he didn’t want to be waiting, but just drove by to get me.
13. We used to hold hands when we would go out to dinner; he stopped wanting to do that.
14. He never liked to kiss me in public.
15. He didn’t talk with his friends much about me. I never knew is he respected me when I wasn’t there or just thought of me as the old “ball and chain”
16. He never said he loved me without my asking him to…even from the very beginning.
17. He liked to play his video games more than be with me more often than not.
18. He wouldn’t call me when he said he was going to (many many times).
19. He wouldn’t call if he was going to be late.
20. Sometimes he wouldn’t call at all. If I didn’t call him we just wouldn’t talk.
21. He wouldn’t answer his phone when he saw that it was me calling just because he didn’t feel like talking to me.
22. He locked me out of his apartment and his life, even when I kept knocking and knocking to be let in.
23. He physically drug me down the stairs once. (txt: "I am so sorry about what happened last night" Dec 3, 2005. 1:16 pm)
24. He threw me against the wall once and called me a “bitch.”
25. Whenever I got upset he never knew what to do so he would just remove himself from the situation until it was over and I was “better.” To be fair, sometimes he would hold me and that helped. Sometimes he could be a comfort. Apparently, a comfort to more people than just me.
26. I found his old phone that he used to have before October of 2004 and it had tons of girls numbers in it. I can just imagine him getting them at bars. He said he couldn’t even remember who they all were. He was sure it was all when we were on a “break.” Just a player at heart I guess. Even if he was better for the first couple years of our relationship. I couldn’t hold him together. He had to do that himself.
27. He stopped liking to go to the symphony with me.
28. He stopped liking to do much of anything with me.
29. His little free time was spent playing video games or going out with friends.
30. Apparently his free time on call nights was spent talking to nurses, esp. Ashlee.
31. When I would do well in rotations or win an award, his first comment, was usually something like, "Well, of couse, because you're a girl." or "because you are nice." or "that doesn't really mean that much anyway." "you're just a better test taker." I'd have to drag it out of him that he was proud of me. I don't even ever really know if he genuinelly was or if he was more just jealous and intimidated and threatened.
I'm sure there will be more. I have to focus on this stuff because it hurts too much to remember the happy times that will never be again--and that might be tainted forever by the bad times. I don't know what to do with myself all of the time. There are so many empty minutes and plans and months now. It will get better.
I have more love to give than he was able to accept. And he has less love to give than I need. That was not a good match to begin with. I thought he would change. For a while maybe he did. Maybe he was growing and maybe I did make him a better person...for a while. But in the end, it felt like he made me a smaller person in some ways. Made me feel unimportant. And him being any sort of different person that the one that he has become has to come from him...
posted by S. at 11:19 AM
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