From Aunt Tracy
Shawna;
Hi from your Aunt Tracy.
I have read your entire blog. Wow! I feel so bad that you are going through this. I didn't know about this, but I suspected something was up when I saw you had gone to So. Amer without him.
This always sounds so trite, but I know EXACTLY how you feel. I went through almost the same exact situation with my first husband. This is why I divorced. I won't bore you with all the sordid details, however, make no mistake about it, this is a personal crisis for you. I'm so sorry Shawna.
I want to help. Maybe this will ease some of your pain.
When I was going through my divorce, I felt as if there was a firestorm in my soul. The flames and wind scoured me clean. There was nothing left. I had to recreate myself from scratch. Start over. I was so "dependent" on our relationship (a false one it turned out) that there was no "me." I loved so hard, I couldn't imagine any other way to be. I'm sure you have felt that way too. Some of the things you said happened to you, and what you did throughout your "breakup" is almost like a re-read of an old script for me. I have done all of those things you wrote about: calling at all hours, crying for days, believing his excuses, bending over backwards to accommodate him, accepting the blame for your troubles, etc., etc., etc. (He also was a drinker.)
Just know this from someone who has been through the storm, survived, and thrived after the rage had cleared:
You WILL lose the acute pain;
You WILL feel better without him;
You WILL be a better person after this - eventually.
All of this can take a ridiculous amount of time, but it is a type of mourning. Especially if it was, as you say, a SERIOUS relationship with a "planned" future. The deeper you were in, the longer it will take for you come out the other side. But, you WILL come out, clean, clear, smarter, stronger. Trust me on this - I know what I'm talking about.
I hate that you have been hurt this way. You are a very sweet, loving, beautiful woman. There is no reason you should think that your happiness will be gone forever. It is not. And you are smart enough to know that you do have people around you that do love you and care for you; your family and good friends. Use your recovery time with them. Find your solitude and your independence while you heal. This is when you learn so much about yourself that can help you become a whole person, full of sorrows, joys, tears, and laughter. Peaceful, loving people are not unscarred. These people have bumps, bruises, sometimes huge scars, but as they get past these things in their lives, they grow a soul. Feed your soul now. Be kind to yourself. Exercise, eat chocolate, cry at sad movies; whatever you need to do to keep yourself from giving up. Do it now. Life gets really busy after this. You won't have a lot of time to reflect later.
The one thing that attracted me to your uncle, even after I had been hurt so bad before, was that he is very honest, loyal, and has an inner core of sanity. He just won't put up with crap. Bryan is real. He plays games and drives me bats, but he is definately real. You will find someone like that, because a man will be attracted to someone like himself in these ways.
My advice for you? (Yes, you're gonna get it whether you want it or not) Run as fast and as far away as you can from Michael. He will NEVER change, ever. He will always be this way with you and the next girl that comes down the track for him. You are fortunate (or smarter) in a way I wasn't...I didn't see my fate until after I married. Michael will never conform to your wishes. He is gone. Over. Done. I know you love him, but that has nothing to do with it. You are trying to survive a castrophe. Run, find shelter, quick. He will make you extremely unhappy if you decide to make a go of it with him. He will cheat again and again the first chance he gets. Believe me, this is true from someone who has been there with this kind of person. Someone who has fought the rollercoaster of feelings, the lies, the panic, insanity, and utter despair of discovering the truth, until you think you will go mad.
You will not completely get over the pain. As you can tell with my words, I'm still affected by this event in my life, and it occurred in 1985! That's 21 years ago! I still feel the pain. But I have healed completely, and I trust again. Yes, I'm sensitive about the fidelity issue, but I can trust again. You will too. It's like a deep wound (doctor!). There is scar tissue; you remember the event with pain; sometimes it hurts when it rains, but you're fully functional, and you don't think of it until directly reminded. You will get there. Trust in yourself. You're strong enough.
Meanwhile, you will grow into a multi-dimensional person. Full of nooks and crannies - places someone will want to explore - deeply. (Get my drift?) Much more interesting than the usual schmo you meet.
So, keep your head up, cry, scream, curse and yell. (This is the only time people forgive you for trespassing.) Be kind to yourself. Close the Michael chapter, and move on to a better place. You will do this will aplomb I've no doubt.
Good luck Shawna. Take care. Email when you can. Love to you.
Aunt Tracy
P.S. Uncle Bryan sends love too.
Hi from your Aunt Tracy.
I have read your entire blog. Wow! I feel so bad that you are going through this. I didn't know about this, but I suspected something was up when I saw you had gone to So. Amer without him.
This always sounds so trite, but I know EXACTLY how you feel. I went through almost the same exact situation with my first husband. This is why I divorced. I won't bore you with all the sordid details, however, make no mistake about it, this is a personal crisis for you. I'm so sorry Shawna.
I want to help. Maybe this will ease some of your pain.
When I was going through my divorce, I felt as if there was a firestorm in my soul. The flames and wind scoured me clean. There was nothing left. I had to recreate myself from scratch. Start over. I was so "dependent" on our relationship (a false one it turned out) that there was no "me." I loved so hard, I couldn't imagine any other way to be. I'm sure you have felt that way too. Some of the things you said happened to you, and what you did throughout your "breakup" is almost like a re-read of an old script for me. I have done all of those things you wrote about: calling at all hours, crying for days, believing his excuses, bending over backwards to accommodate him, accepting the blame for your troubles, etc., etc., etc. (He also was a drinker.)
Just know this from someone who has been through the storm, survived, and thrived after the rage had cleared:
You WILL lose the acute pain;
You WILL feel better without him;
You WILL be a better person after this - eventually.
All of this can take a ridiculous amount of time, but it is a type of mourning. Especially if it was, as you say, a SERIOUS relationship with a "planned" future. The deeper you were in, the longer it will take for you come out the other side. But, you WILL come out, clean, clear, smarter, stronger. Trust me on this - I know what I'm talking about.
I hate that you have been hurt this way. You are a very sweet, loving, beautiful woman. There is no reason you should think that your happiness will be gone forever. It is not. And you are smart enough to know that you do have people around you that do love you and care for you; your family and good friends. Use your recovery time with them. Find your solitude and your independence while you heal. This is when you learn so much about yourself that can help you become a whole person, full of sorrows, joys, tears, and laughter. Peaceful, loving people are not unscarred. These people have bumps, bruises, sometimes huge scars, but as they get past these things in their lives, they grow a soul. Feed your soul now. Be kind to yourself. Exercise, eat chocolate, cry at sad movies; whatever you need to do to keep yourself from giving up. Do it now. Life gets really busy after this. You won't have a lot of time to reflect later.
The one thing that attracted me to your uncle, even after I had been hurt so bad before, was that he is very honest, loyal, and has an inner core of sanity. He just won't put up with crap. Bryan is real. He plays games and drives me bats, but he is definately real. You will find someone like that, because a man will be attracted to someone like himself in these ways.
My advice for you? (Yes, you're gonna get it whether you want it or not) Run as fast and as far away as you can from Michael. He will NEVER change, ever. He will always be this way with you and the next girl that comes down the track for him. You are fortunate (or smarter) in a way I wasn't...I didn't see my fate until after I married. Michael will never conform to your wishes. He is gone. Over. Done. I know you love him, but that has nothing to do with it. You are trying to survive a castrophe. Run, find shelter, quick. He will make you extremely unhappy if you decide to make a go of it with him. He will cheat again and again the first chance he gets. Believe me, this is true from someone who has been there with this kind of person. Someone who has fought the rollercoaster of feelings, the lies, the panic, insanity, and utter despair of discovering the truth, until you think you will go mad.
You will not completely get over the pain. As you can tell with my words, I'm still affected by this event in my life, and it occurred in 1985! That's 21 years ago! I still feel the pain. But I have healed completely, and I trust again. Yes, I'm sensitive about the fidelity issue, but I can trust again. You will too. It's like a deep wound (doctor!). There is scar tissue; you remember the event with pain; sometimes it hurts when it rains, but you're fully functional, and you don't think of it until directly reminded. You will get there. Trust in yourself. You're strong enough.
Meanwhile, you will grow into a multi-dimensional person. Full of nooks and crannies - places someone will want to explore - deeply. (Get my drift?) Much more interesting than the usual schmo you meet.
So, keep your head up, cry, scream, curse and yell. (This is the only time people forgive you for trespassing.) Be kind to yourself. Close the Michael chapter, and move on to a better place. You will do this will aplomb I've no doubt.
Good luck Shawna. Take care. Email when you can. Love to you.
Aunt Tracy
P.S. Uncle Bryan sends love too.
posted by S. at 5:41 PM
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