Just stop
Then there were the vacations that he took with his friends that he never wanted me to go with him: Vegas, New Oreleans, even Miami when we were still planning on going there together. He never wanted me included in his fun. Said they were just going to go out and I wouldn't like it anyway. I wanted to be with him. He never seemed to get that. He never seemed to want to be with me nearly as much. Well, only sometimes, but on his own terms.
He also never liked to kiss me in the morning--morning breath be damned--I still wanted to kiss him. There are some things--many things--that are more important than morning breath. Like showing the person you love that you love them despite everything for instance. Despite imperfections or percieved imperfections, or not caked on make up (like Ashlee wears to cover who knows what then smears it all over his shirt for him to lie about to me later).
He was on the phone last night for a long time--maybe with her. Maybe he met someone down there. Maybe the two of them are trying to figure out if they will move down there together. That will be a pair--two shallow broken souls trying to fix themselves by projecting onto the other. Trying to make themselves feel better by "helping" someone else and indulging in all the twisted pleasures of the flesh. When what they really need to do is fix themselves first.
What I really need to do, too. What I am trying to do. What I want to do. I have another therapy appointment today. I am worried about him getting back into town. I don't want to be around him, but am still so drawn to him that I don't know what I can do.
I had nightmares last night. S. said that I was saying "No!" outloud and tossing and turning. I remember feeling anxious in my dream and taking my klonapin for it and also that Dr. B and S. were making fun of me for having bad breath.
Mike used to "tease" me about giving me complexes about myself. Well, he did give me complexes about the way I am and my attractiveness to other men. I am beautiful and he sometimes made me feel like I wasn't and that he was just putting up with me until sometime better came along. Nothing better will come along for him. Something better will come along for me. It has to.
I'm just worried about the next few months here. How to make it through.
Black Monday is in a few days--when we find out if we match. Then we find out where on Thursday the 16th. It is a stressful time under any circumstances. I know it is for everyone. I know I am not alone and I know others have and do have it perhaps worse off than me. Sometimes, though, it still feels like the world is crashing in around me and I just function out of habit or necessity when all I want to do is stop for a while. Just stop.
He also never liked to kiss me in the morning--morning breath be damned--I still wanted to kiss him. There are some things--many things--that are more important than morning breath. Like showing the person you love that you love them despite everything for instance. Despite imperfections or percieved imperfections, or not caked on make up (like Ashlee wears to cover who knows what then smears it all over his shirt for him to lie about to me later).
He was on the phone last night for a long time--maybe with her. Maybe he met someone down there. Maybe the two of them are trying to figure out if they will move down there together. That will be a pair--two shallow broken souls trying to fix themselves by projecting onto the other. Trying to make themselves feel better by "helping" someone else and indulging in all the twisted pleasures of the flesh. When what they really need to do is fix themselves first.
What I really need to do, too. What I am trying to do. What I want to do. I have another therapy appointment today. I am worried about him getting back into town. I don't want to be around him, but am still so drawn to him that I don't know what I can do.
I had nightmares last night. S. said that I was saying "No!" outloud and tossing and turning. I remember feeling anxious in my dream and taking my klonapin for it and also that Dr. B and S. were making fun of me for having bad breath.
Mike used to "tease" me about giving me complexes about myself. Well, he did give me complexes about the way I am and my attractiveness to other men. I am beautiful and he sometimes made me feel like I wasn't and that he was just putting up with me until sometime better came along. Nothing better will come along for him. Something better will come along for me. It has to.
I'm just worried about the next few months here. How to make it through.
Black Monday is in a few days--when we find out if we match. Then we find out where on Thursday the 16th. It is a stressful time under any circumstances. I know it is for everyone. I know I am not alone and I know others have and do have it perhaps worse off than me. Sometimes, though, it still feels like the world is crashing in around me and I just function out of habit or necessity when all I want to do is stop for a while. Just stop.
posted by S. at 7:09 AM
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