Choice E

Had a nice weekend in Tampa with the family and S. and K., B.'s girlfriend. Though, despite everything, I still miss Mike and think of him when I am away. It seems to be improving, though. It is more just before I fall asleep that I think of him. And the thoughts are different, too. They are more along the lines of processing the end, not grasping for hints that there is still a future.

On Match Day he was the first person to call me after the live broadcast online. Apparently he had logged in just as they called my name and I was walking down to get my envelope. Seeing me read San Diego really drove home what a big mistake he has made in losing me.

Txt 3/16/06 12:40 pm "I know! I just talked with you! Congratulations! I am sad for us, but happy for you, Shawna. Don't want you to leave...Have a happy day!"

Txt 3/16/06 12:50 pm "Mortifying." I asked him about this later and he said it was mortifying because "you will be so far away."
Email
Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2006 10:33:18 -0800 (PST)
I feel like you're already gone...

Txt 3/16/06 1:47 pm "I feel like you're already gone...Congratulations, though."

Move to San Diego, I say to him. "Airplanes." I text back at one point. We were still thinking of long-distance possibilities at that point. I don't really know why. I think neither of us really thought or think it would work. Even if we were sure we wanted it to. I am not sure...becoming less sure as he feels futher and further away (I have felt like he was "already gone" for months). And though he says he wants me there, I don't think he is sure either. I'm not even sure he knows how to be sure about loving someone.

Txt 3/17/06 4:08 pm "I can't bcause of condo!! Parents helped c deposit. Would hurt their feelings too much. Oh, Shawna!! N Florida yet?"

Email
Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2006 05:49:44 -0800 (PST)

Shawna, one of the worst mistakes I've ever made was
(risking?) losing you...

XOXOXOXO Shmichael


Txt 3/17/06 9:12 pm "Oh Shawna."

Txt 3/19/06 3:26 pm "Busy in the Unit!! Thx 4 writing Shawna."

By the time I got back from the weekend in Tampa, he was already more distant. He was post call and GRUMPY. I stopped by to see him after he woke up from sleeping all afternoon. He looked awful and still was tired. He'd had a horrible call night in the Unit with patients dying and crashing and calls and procedures and transfers.

"I just don't see how this is going to work." He put his bowed his head and rubbed it between his hands frusterated. "I was thinking about it. I don't see myself moving to San Diego. I don't think you will leave California. I don't think either of us would be good with long-distance."

I'd been thinking this all along, but had barely dared to admit it to myself, let alone to him. And I was still not ready to admit that to him. Part of me wants him to be the villian still. I want to give him no excuse to feel like the victim in this situation. "You wanted me to move to Miami on a 'leap of faith' but gave me nothing in which to have faith in you. Your words did not match your actions and you lied to me so very much."

"I know." He truly knows what he has done now that I am going to San Diego for the next four years...without him. I don't know if it will change his actions, but he knows he really messed up this time.

"Time's up." I told him when we talked about it again yesterday. "We ran out of time."

So now what? Do we prolong the goodbye? He doesn't like seeing me as much because I remind him of what he's done and what he's lost. I am not sure how I feel about seeing him more. I know I still miss him. Probably even still love him...and he tells me the same. I also know it is sometimes hard to see him. Sometimes, however, he does things that remind me of what a snake he has been and can be and will, in all honest liklihood, continue to be. That helps with the reaffirmation of the loss. Do we see each other casually? Do we just stop and let it die a natural death? One of the above. All of the above.