MI

My grandfather had an MI (myocardial infarction=heart attack) yesterday. I have worried since I was a little girl about him being gone. I thought he would be there forever. It is strange to be in this situation in my life and have this happen. I don't quite know what to ask and it is all too involved with my own emotions to really process any of it very well.

My friend is going into cardiology and I had him talk to my grandfather's cardiologist. He got all the information. It is an odd feeling of too much connection and simultaneous disconnect. We learn so much to compartmentalize our emotions and feelings and some of our too sensitive responses to patients that it becomes so different when it is your own loved one. It makes me worry that I am not strong enough to deal with the emotions that medicine inevitably includes.

With my grandfather they talk about surgery and diffiuse disease...and I know what it all means...and I know how risky things can be at his age. And I have seen people go down either path. I know he doesn't want to end up incapacitated at the end. I know he is strong and could recover. I guess I am just afraid. I know too much for my own good in this case. But maybe if I didn't know at much it would be bad in just the opposite way.