Compartmentalization and Liking Yourself
Just finished another no tissue session in therapy. This was a marathon session since I had my psychiatrist and my therapist back to back. I think it went well, though. I'm supposed to start weaning the Klonapin for sleep and stay at the same dose of the Lexapro at least through Spring of next year. Dr. L. said that depressive episodes can last over 9 months once they are stable, so that should see my through. Plus I don't think going off of it intern year is a great idea.
So the psychiatrist was really more of a med check...and he thought I should continue with a therapist in San Diego to work on more of the deeper issues like why I make so many excuses for the person I love even when they treat me poorly and like I should not be treated. That I need something to make sure I don't do this again. That I stay consious of my inner red flags.
The next hour with Dr. D. was more in depth. A couple new things came up today.
I guess you need a little background on the state of the (dis)union with Michael first. I went the six days without talking to him or even trying to, which was huge form. Then we ran into each other on a run and have been seeing each other and talking a bit since then. He has been more present with me than he has in months and is more sorry than ever for what he did; and wishes he could take it back and that he had never done it etc. I still love him. Even though I want to be able to say that I wouldn't get back together with him, it is moderately tempting (I shake my head at myself just writing that). I still love him, that's the crux of the issue. I have become used to the thought of not being together and now the slim possiblity of long distance and them him moving out in a year is wierd to think about. Wierd in the sense that deep down I don't really want it maybe. But it is tempting and nice to be with him some now.
So, anyway we got into that and that I'm struggling with saying no. I joked about the next shirt I need (after my "I'm kind of a big deal" and "Stay Classy" shirts) is the "Just say No" shirt. Dr. D. said it would depend on what I told myself about saying no and the reasons that I told myself...and what part of that I decided to tell him.
"What would it take for you to get back together with him?"
"He'd have to do what he says he's going to do. Not lie to me. Not cheat on me. Take more action about his commitment to us...stuff like that."
With out even much of a therapist pause, Dr. D. responded, "He'd have to like himself more."
Hmmm, I thought. Very true.
"From what you've told me about him and the things he's done," Dr. D. goes on, "He just doesn't like himself enough to think that it's worth it to follow through on anything. Maybe because he feels like he can't be a better person, so why try."
Maybe.
"The first step he would have to take is getting into therapy...and from there it would be a long long road of working it out after that, too." Says Dr. D.
"So, he's not the person I want to be with now and he would have to work really hard to become that person. He's even said things like that to me--that he doesn't like himself. That he feels sometimes like he is not a quality person. That he didn't want to start us up again because he didn't want to innoculate, or infect, us with him again. He's still depressed and insecure and projecting some of his guilt onto me."
He's not the type of person I see myself with. He drags me down into some swirl of darkness sometimes. But it is still hard to say no when he is there and when I still love him.
We talked also about compartmentalization. How all along Michael has had parts of him that I never liked: his off-putting shyness around my family and friends, his distance, his inabality to open up, his performance in med school and now residency, his never being pround of me until I reming him to, his drinking, his going out with friends, his magazines, his obsessions with is motorcycle, his ADHD tendencies, his insecurities, his coldness, his exclusion of me from his social circles etc. The thing is that he usually was very different when it was just the two of us. He became sweet and warm and loving and tender and silly and goofy and caring and sometimes even thoughtful.
Given that, I would "compartmentalize" (Dr. D's label) the other stuff--the bad stuff that everyone else saw and the reason they all would look at me funny when I told them we were together and the reasons they all say something to the effect of "good riddance" or "you can do so much better" now that we're not(ish) together.
He said that compartmentalization isn't always bad, but that I would have to be careful to do it in moderation and be aware of what I was sweeping under the rug while I was doing it and even later to peek under there to see what I kept denying to myself.
I told him that was a good term for it and that, becasue I'm hypersensitive in nearly all aspects of my life, I have had to almost over compensate with even more compartmentalization.
We both agreed that it is something perhaps over-developed in medical students in particular, who have to deal with things that most of the rest of the world doesn't see. And who have to find some way to deal with it and go on and let it go.
So the psychiatrist was really more of a med check...and he thought I should continue with a therapist in San Diego to work on more of the deeper issues like why I make so many excuses for the person I love even when they treat me poorly and like I should not be treated. That I need something to make sure I don't do this again. That I stay consious of my inner red flags.
The next hour with Dr. D. was more in depth. A couple new things came up today.
I guess you need a little background on the state of the (dis)union with Michael first. I went the six days without talking to him or even trying to, which was huge form. Then we ran into each other on a run and have been seeing each other and talking a bit since then. He has been more present with me than he has in months and is more sorry than ever for what he did; and wishes he could take it back and that he had never done it etc. I still love him. Even though I want to be able to say that I wouldn't get back together with him, it is moderately tempting (I shake my head at myself just writing that). I still love him, that's the crux of the issue. I have become used to the thought of not being together and now the slim possiblity of long distance and them him moving out in a year is wierd to think about. Wierd in the sense that deep down I don't really want it maybe. But it is tempting and nice to be with him some now.
So, anyway we got into that and that I'm struggling with saying no. I joked about the next shirt I need (after my "I'm kind of a big deal" and "Stay Classy" shirts) is the "Just say No" shirt. Dr. D. said it would depend on what I told myself about saying no and the reasons that I told myself...and what part of that I decided to tell him.
"What would it take for you to get back together with him?"
"He'd have to do what he says he's going to do. Not lie to me. Not cheat on me. Take more action about his commitment to us...stuff like that."
With out even much of a therapist pause, Dr. D. responded, "He'd have to like himself more."
Hmmm, I thought. Very true.
"From what you've told me about him and the things he's done," Dr. D. goes on, "He just doesn't like himself enough to think that it's worth it to follow through on anything. Maybe because he feels like he can't be a better person, so why try."
Maybe.
"The first step he would have to take is getting into therapy...and from there it would be a long long road of working it out after that, too." Says Dr. D.
"So, he's not the person I want to be with now and he would have to work really hard to become that person. He's even said things like that to me--that he doesn't like himself. That he feels sometimes like he is not a quality person. That he didn't want to start us up again because he didn't want to innoculate, or infect, us with him again. He's still depressed and insecure and projecting some of his guilt onto me."
He's not the type of person I see myself with. He drags me down into some swirl of darkness sometimes. But it is still hard to say no when he is there and when I still love him.
We talked also about compartmentalization. How all along Michael has had parts of him that I never liked: his off-putting shyness around my family and friends, his distance, his inabality to open up, his performance in med school and now residency, his never being pround of me until I reming him to, his drinking, his going out with friends, his magazines, his obsessions with is motorcycle, his ADHD tendencies, his insecurities, his coldness, his exclusion of me from his social circles etc. The thing is that he usually was very different when it was just the two of us. He became sweet and warm and loving and tender and silly and goofy and caring and sometimes even thoughtful.
Given that, I would "compartmentalize" (Dr. D's label) the other stuff--the bad stuff that everyone else saw and the reason they all would look at me funny when I told them we were together and the reasons they all say something to the effect of "good riddance" or "you can do so much better" now that we're not(ish) together.
He said that compartmentalization isn't always bad, but that I would have to be careful to do it in moderation and be aware of what I was sweeping under the rug while I was doing it and even later to peek under there to see what I kept denying to myself.
I told him that was a good term for it and that, becasue I'm hypersensitive in nearly all aspects of my life, I have had to almost over compensate with even more compartmentalization.
We both agreed that it is something perhaps over-developed in medical students in particular, who have to deal with things that most of the rest of the world doesn't see. And who have to find some way to deal with it and go on and let it go.
posted by S. at 12:12 PM
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