Follow your Bliss
Exerpt from an email to my brother, B.:
"When I was thinking/talking about transferring from UPS my sophomore year (I actually just took a leave of absence, but never went back) I met with one of my professors who shared something with me that helped a lot at the time. We were reading some Joseph Campbell who is all about the repeated story lines over the ages. He also did some critical writing in which he said "Follow your bliss." Follow your bliss.
"There is nothing more important than your health and happiness...and love.
"The hard part if figuring out what your biggest bliss is. Then once you do that, the rest is just details.
"I am feeling a bit better tonight than I was earlier today and last night; was up until four am yesterday (well, this morning I guess). J. was here so at least I wasn't alone. I just think that I am strong enough to not let Michael hurt me anymore and then he sleeps with her again or lies to me again or acts like his normal assholish self and it still rankles--still hurts.
"I don't know how I want to say goodbye to him. The more this opens me up to hurt the closer I get to calling any communication off, but that is really hard. Part of me still misses the jerk and wonders what he's up to. And I don't want him trashing our memory or whatever by messing around with her still. And part of me (the not so altruistic part) wants to punish him--and the best way to do that is for him to see me...because seeing me reminds him of how very much he has lost and what a low-life he has become. He deserves that and more. I just don't want to let him get away with it. My therapist said those were okay--not great, but okay reasons to call him. At least I no longer look to him to validate me, our relationship, and my self-worth. That stage is over. It is a rough path, but I'm really doing much better overall--just had a couple down days. This too shall pass.
"I have found bliss in becoming a doctor--it is really hard, mostly the emotional part which no one expects so much when starting. And therefore will follow that bliss in San Diego...and hopefully find relationship bliss there, too. Someone who will treat me well and cherish me and support me and be honest and kind and thoughtful and all that Michael has failed to be...yet, to be fair, some of what he used to be, also. Nothing is black and white."
"When I was thinking/talking about transferring from UPS my sophomore year (I actually just took a leave of absence, but never went back) I met with one of my professors who shared something with me that helped a lot at the time. We were reading some Joseph Campbell who is all about the repeated story lines over the ages. He also did some critical writing in which he said "Follow your bliss." Follow your bliss.
"There is nothing more important than your health and happiness...and love.
"The hard part if figuring out what your biggest bliss is. Then once you do that, the rest is just details.
"I am feeling a bit better tonight than I was earlier today and last night; was up until four am yesterday (well, this morning I guess). J. was here so at least I wasn't alone. I just think that I am strong enough to not let Michael hurt me anymore and then he sleeps with her again or lies to me again or acts like his normal assholish self and it still rankles--still hurts.
"I don't know how I want to say goodbye to him. The more this opens me up to hurt the closer I get to calling any communication off, but that is really hard. Part of me still misses the jerk and wonders what he's up to. And I don't want him trashing our memory or whatever by messing around with her still. And part of me (the not so altruistic part) wants to punish him--and the best way to do that is for him to see me...because seeing me reminds him of how very much he has lost and what a low-life he has become. He deserves that and more. I just don't want to let him get away with it. My therapist said those were okay--not great, but okay reasons to call him. At least I no longer look to him to validate me, our relationship, and my self-worth. That stage is over. It is a rough path, but I'm really doing much better overall--just had a couple down days. This too shall pass.
"I have found bliss in becoming a doctor--it is really hard, mostly the emotional part which no one expects so much when starting. And therefore will follow that bliss in San Diego...and hopefully find relationship bliss there, too. Someone who will treat me well and cherish me and support me and be honest and kind and thoughtful and all that Michael has failed to be...yet, to be fair, some of what he used to be, also. Nothing is black and white."
posted by S. at 8:27 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home