Yes, I have lost weight
Okay, so the pneumonic to remember the symptoms of depression is SIGECAPS. The A in it stands for appetite. In typical depression, people lose their appetite. In atypical depression people eat more than they normally would. I have had typical depression.
And accordingly I have had not appetite for months. The first week I found out about Michael cheating on me I at about a can of peaches along with water for the entire week. The following weeks and last four months have followed suit. Eventually it became easier to eat around other people. And I would eat when the food was really good or somehow appealed to me. When in Miami for my interview, I found a great seafood restaurant that I frequented while I was down there. The quantities weren't much, but I could at least get a little food down. And it tasted good.
Now coming out of the depression, I have lost about 30 lbs and everyone is noticing. I hadn't seen many of my classmates until Match week festivities. Some of them asked me, "Have you lost weight?" "Yeah, 30 lbs. That's what months of depression will do for you. I don't recommend it as a diet, though; it's not worth it." Poor guy, he didn't know what to say so he just sort of chuckled and walked away. The truth can be uncomfortable, I guess. But no sense hiding it.
They all look at me and say things like, "You'd be really easy to start a central line on." Well, yeah, you can see my entire clavicle and every muscle in my neck. Or, "You'd be easy to do a lumbar puncture on." Uh, yeah, since all of my vertebrae are visible through the skin.
And my friends said that everyone is asking them about my weight, too. "Is Shawna okay?" "What's going on with her?" "Has she lost a bunch of weight?" Very observant future doctors. They started making me eat and become a member of the "clean plate club" when we would go out. J. took S. and I out to the Melting Pot (fondue place) which probably put on the three lbs in one night.
When my parents were here in Feb, my appetite was still pretty poor. I ate as well as I could for them, but it would often be a third of a personal pizza at most. I always had lots of left-overs to take home.
And I haven't been grocery shopping in months. Well, I guess when I was living with S. for a couple months we'd go or I would pick up stuff for us there, so that's not entirely true. I just don't have anything here (at my place) that I have bought anytime recently. I'll have to pick some food up soon.
My clothes have progressively started to hang off of me. Jeans that used to be form-fitting are baggy and my butt is practically gone. Chest is smaller, though, which makes my back feel better in general.
I had to buy some new clothes that actually fit and didn't hang off of me like a sack of potatoes. One day I tried to wear a pair of pants that used to fit and S. said they looked awful. I was having to fold the waists over just so they wouldn't fall off or drag the ground. Even when I got belts they'd be so folded up at the waist that it looked stupid and worse than no belt at all.
When I went shopping with my parents for new clothes (pants in particular) the clerk at Anne Taylor saw me picking up sixes and fours and said it looked like I was size shopping. She stepped back and looked at me and said I was a four. Never had that happen. Used to wear eight, sometimes ten in pants. Four. That is smaller than Julia Roberts dress size in Pretty Woman (six). So four it was, there, at Gap, and at Eddie Bauer. Dad bought me some really nice pants and sweater at Anne Taylor. It does feel good to wear clothes that fit.
I would like to stay this size. It makes me feel prettier. And any boost to my confidence is welcome these days, although my ego is coming back, too. I feel like I look good, that I'm not unhealthy. I'm still working out a lot so I have muscle tone also, not just skin and bones. In fact, I'm lifting heavier than I was before I lost all the weight.
Even before match day all the clothes I bought were short sleeves or sleeveless or light pants. I didn't want to be anywhere cold. I still don't. I don't want to have to wear scarves or hats or gloves. In fact, it has been cold here and I have been in denial and not wearing my coats anywhere. I just make my car really hot and hurry inside where it is hopefully warm enough to keep me from freezing what is left of my tooshie off. Good thing I matched in San Diego. My wardrobe (not to mention my mental health) would have had a hard time with Ann Arbor.
So anyway, "Yes," for those of you who have been asking or wondering, "I have lost weight." Lots of it. I'm bouncing back, though. My friends aren't worried anymore, because I've stopped slipping. And I'm aware of it now, too. I just want to stay where I am now. It feels good this way.
And accordingly I have had not appetite for months. The first week I found out about Michael cheating on me I at about a can of peaches along with water for the entire week. The following weeks and last four months have followed suit. Eventually it became easier to eat around other people. And I would eat when the food was really good or somehow appealed to me. When in Miami for my interview, I found a great seafood restaurant that I frequented while I was down there. The quantities weren't much, but I could at least get a little food down. And it tasted good.
Now coming out of the depression, I have lost about 30 lbs and everyone is noticing. I hadn't seen many of my classmates until Match week festivities. Some of them asked me, "Have you lost weight?" "Yeah, 30 lbs. That's what months of depression will do for you. I don't recommend it as a diet, though; it's not worth it." Poor guy, he didn't know what to say so he just sort of chuckled and walked away. The truth can be uncomfortable, I guess. But no sense hiding it.
They all look at me and say things like, "You'd be really easy to start a central line on." Well, yeah, you can see my entire clavicle and every muscle in my neck. Or, "You'd be easy to do a lumbar puncture on." Uh, yeah, since all of my vertebrae are visible through the skin.
And my friends said that everyone is asking them about my weight, too. "Is Shawna okay?" "What's going on with her?" "Has she lost a bunch of weight?" Very observant future doctors. They started making me eat and become a member of the "clean plate club" when we would go out. J. took S. and I out to the Melting Pot (fondue place) which probably put on the three lbs in one night.
When my parents were here in Feb, my appetite was still pretty poor. I ate as well as I could for them, but it would often be a third of a personal pizza at most. I always had lots of left-overs to take home.
And I haven't been grocery shopping in months. Well, I guess when I was living with S. for a couple months we'd go or I would pick up stuff for us there, so that's not entirely true. I just don't have anything here (at my place) that I have bought anytime recently. I'll have to pick some food up soon.
My clothes have progressively started to hang off of me. Jeans that used to be form-fitting are baggy and my butt is practically gone. Chest is smaller, though, which makes my back feel better in general.
I had to buy some new clothes that actually fit and didn't hang off of me like a sack of potatoes. One day I tried to wear a pair of pants that used to fit and S. said they looked awful. I was having to fold the waists over just so they wouldn't fall off or drag the ground. Even when I got belts they'd be so folded up at the waist that it looked stupid and worse than no belt at all.
When I went shopping with my parents for new clothes (pants in particular) the clerk at Anne Taylor saw me picking up sixes and fours and said it looked like I was size shopping. She stepped back and looked at me and said I was a four. Never had that happen. Used to wear eight, sometimes ten in pants. Four. That is smaller than Julia Roberts dress size in Pretty Woman (six). So four it was, there, at Gap, and at Eddie Bauer. Dad bought me some really nice pants and sweater at Anne Taylor. It does feel good to wear clothes that fit.
I would like to stay this size. It makes me feel prettier. And any boost to my confidence is welcome these days, although my ego is coming back, too. I feel like I look good, that I'm not unhealthy. I'm still working out a lot so I have muscle tone also, not just skin and bones. In fact, I'm lifting heavier than I was before I lost all the weight.
Even before match day all the clothes I bought were short sleeves or sleeveless or light pants. I didn't want to be anywhere cold. I still don't. I don't want to have to wear scarves or hats or gloves. In fact, it has been cold here and I have been in denial and not wearing my coats anywhere. I just make my car really hot and hurry inside where it is hopefully warm enough to keep me from freezing what is left of my tooshie off. Good thing I matched in San Diego. My wardrobe (not to mention my mental health) would have had a hard time with Ann Arbor.
So anyway, "Yes," for those of you who have been asking or wondering, "I have lost weight." Lots of it. I'm bouncing back, though. My friends aren't worried anymore, because I've stopped slipping. And I'm aware of it now, too. I just want to stay where I am now. It feels good this way.
posted by S. at 6:32 PM
1 Comments:
Sweet Shawna,
I know you are getting stronger and more confident in yourself everyday and that is wonderful to see! People only comment about your weight because they care about you. You are well known in our class and people notice. Yes -Very observant future doctors we are :) I think that with you starting to come out of your depression your appetite will continue to rise and you'll get your healthy balance back of feeling good and having the "right" amount of pounds too. We (C-of-T) love you lots and want only the best for you! I know you know that. LTS lots and lots.
Csocsi, S
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