Should have Stayed in Bed
Some days I should never get out of bed.
I was on call starting on...um Tuesday, didn't sleep a wink all night, forgot my clipboard at work, had to go back.
Didn't make it home until 2:30 pm (yes, awake for a good 35 hours), took a shower, fell asleep and didn't wake up until 5:30am this morning.
Fourteen hours of sleep and I could have slept more if I didn't have to wake up and go back to work...for a day which would end now and be the worst (but thankfully LAST!) day in the CCU.
My car wouldn't start to begin with, but that happens about 90% of the time lately, so that was an irritant, but nothing unexpected. I fixed it in the dark cloudiness of the morning and headed off to work.
Today is my grandmother's birthday and I'd intended to call her on my way into work, but my mom called me first. She and my youngest brother had to take his dog to the vet yesterday to be put to sleep.
I've had enough breaks to know that faster and cleaner is better than long and painful. Hope becomes the enemy at the end. The hardest to let go but the most painful to keep.
I had to go when I got to the parking garage. There's no signal in the elvator.
I got check out from the night intern, and my co intern. None of my patients had left, no big surprise there. I seem to have a bunch of rocks lately.
Prerounded. Rounded with cardiomyopathy attending. Rounded with cardiology attending who kept asking us questions pretty far over our heads, which is good learning but also makes me feel really stupid most of the time. He decided that four of my patients could go finally home. We rounded until 1pm. Grabbed a late lunch from the caf, thankfully the program had added more money to my meal card.
Then some of my patients just kept asking me the same questions all afternoon. "can i really go?" yes "but they said I couldn't" well i checked with them (several times). you can. "but can I really leave?" yes. "my chest hurts" it always hurts. it's because you got a reflux operation. "but can i really leave?" yes. "they said I should stay four days" no one ever said that. i talked to them. "so i can leave?" yes. yes. please, just leave! "but can I leave now?" OMG.
"so what is my diagnosis?" we aren't sure we just can rule out the really bad stuff that we can fix and you don't have that. "so what do you think is wrong with my heart?" well, i wish i could tell you, but we aren't sure. "why did it hurt?" i don't know.
For Heaven's Sake, I do not have all the answers. And I have even less this month when I feel like I'm always the last person to find out. My team seems to assume that I can magically read their mind and know what the plan is without telling me what they are thinking. I need a crystal ball instead of a stethoscope. Then again, I get the "what are you, stupid?" look. I don't know, maybe I am stupid. If everyone seems to think that, maybe they're right.
Then the nurses kept paging me about these same patients that I finally went to do my work at the nurses station so they could see me and ask me in the moment--"doctor? doctor? doctor clin-es-tecker? sarah, uh, i mean shawna?" What???? Sitting there, I even I got hit with some sort of flying dilaudid cap and the computer kept erasing all the discharge summaries that I had to type and retype and retype. And I got interrupted 15 times a minute. And the pharmacy paged about the discharge medications. And the nurses paged about new patients that I had that I hadn't even heard about yet. "you want a chest x-ray?" sure, okay. sometimes I just feel like the yes woman. Like I have no time to actually figure anything out or think. Just see and react. see and react. Faster, faster. Plus my residents kept asking why I wasn't finished yet. "Where have you been? what are you doing?" they didn't really want to know. they just wanted me to work faster and get things done so they wouldn't have to do it. All month long they have quitely begruged us our four total days off because then they have to cover our patients.
I had to write discharges for patients not even gone yet so the new intern wouldn't have to do it. Write all their discharge meds lists.
I had to blink back the tears of frusteration and exhaustion more than once, especially when I thought about how badly I needed a hug with full knowledge that I would just come home to the cat poop and barf on the floor and a roommate just back from a two month vacation who has no concept of how tired I am.
But, at work, I still had to figure out why no one would remove the dead toe on one of my paitents. Got yelled at repeatedly by vascular surgery. Had to swallow my pride for at least the 50th time as I thanked them for coming to see my patient finally. At least the ortho guy was nicer.
At the end of it all, I had to update the sign out, call the poor intern stepping into my shoes to update him on the patients, finish my notes from this morning and put them in all the charts. It was now close to 8 pm and the caf was almost closed. I knew I had no food at home so might as well eat dinner there, too. Sloppy Joes.
Actually better than I expected. I ate alone at a back table of the cafeteria. By the time I finished, there was smoke pouring out of the grill area where they were "cleaning" the grill. I snuck back in for a cheesecake and hurried out to the outside world.
Where it was raining. The smoke alarm went off as I was walking away from the hospital.
And my car wouldn't start. It was harder than usual to fix. I haven't had any time to go get the new part I need. And it's way overdue for an oil change.
Some days I should just stay in bed. Today was one of those days.
I start a new rotation tomorrow and I don't even know where I'm supposed to go. And there's the pediatric holiday party tomorrow night and I have no one who can go with me. And I just feel completely stupid and ugly and worthless and alone.
I should have just stayed in bed. Ugh!
I was on call starting on...um Tuesday, didn't sleep a wink all night, forgot my clipboard at work, had to go back.
Didn't make it home until 2:30 pm (yes, awake for a good 35 hours), took a shower, fell asleep and didn't wake up until 5:30am this morning.
Fourteen hours of sleep and I could have slept more if I didn't have to wake up and go back to work...for a day which would end now and be the worst (but thankfully LAST!) day in the CCU.
My car wouldn't start to begin with, but that happens about 90% of the time lately, so that was an irritant, but nothing unexpected. I fixed it in the dark cloudiness of the morning and headed off to work.
Today is my grandmother's birthday and I'd intended to call her on my way into work, but my mom called me first. She and my youngest brother had to take his dog to the vet yesterday to be put to sleep.
I've had enough breaks to know that faster and cleaner is better than long and painful. Hope becomes the enemy at the end. The hardest to let go but the most painful to keep.
I had to go when I got to the parking garage. There's no signal in the elvator.
I got check out from the night intern, and my co intern. None of my patients had left, no big surprise there. I seem to have a bunch of rocks lately.
Prerounded. Rounded with cardiomyopathy attending. Rounded with cardiology attending who kept asking us questions pretty far over our heads, which is good learning but also makes me feel really stupid most of the time. He decided that four of my patients could go finally home. We rounded until 1pm. Grabbed a late lunch from the caf, thankfully the program had added more money to my meal card.
Then some of my patients just kept asking me the same questions all afternoon. "can i really go?" yes "but they said I couldn't" well i checked with them (several times). you can. "but can I really leave?" yes. "my chest hurts" it always hurts. it's because you got a reflux operation. "but can i really leave?" yes. "they said I should stay four days" no one ever said that. i talked to them. "so i can leave?" yes. yes. please, just leave! "but can I leave now?" OMG.
"so what is my diagnosis?" we aren't sure we just can rule out the really bad stuff that we can fix and you don't have that. "so what do you think is wrong with my heart?" well, i wish i could tell you, but we aren't sure. "why did it hurt?" i don't know.
For Heaven's Sake, I do not have all the answers. And I have even less this month when I feel like I'm always the last person to find out. My team seems to assume that I can magically read their mind and know what the plan is without telling me what they are thinking. I need a crystal ball instead of a stethoscope. Then again, I get the "what are you, stupid?" look. I don't know, maybe I am stupid. If everyone seems to think that, maybe they're right.
Then the nurses kept paging me about these same patients that I finally went to do my work at the nurses station so they could see me and ask me in the moment--"doctor? doctor? doctor clin-es-tecker? sarah, uh, i mean shawna?" What???? Sitting there, I even I got hit with some sort of flying dilaudid cap and the computer kept erasing all the discharge summaries that I had to type and retype and retype. And I got interrupted 15 times a minute. And the pharmacy paged about the discharge medications. And the nurses paged about new patients that I had that I hadn't even heard about yet. "you want a chest x-ray?" sure, okay. sometimes I just feel like the yes woman. Like I have no time to actually figure anything out or think. Just see and react. see and react. Faster, faster. Plus my residents kept asking why I wasn't finished yet. "Where have you been? what are you doing?" they didn't really want to know. they just wanted me to work faster and get things done so they wouldn't have to do it. All month long they have quitely begruged us our four total days off because then they have to cover our patients.
I had to write discharges for patients not even gone yet so the new intern wouldn't have to do it. Write all their discharge meds lists.
I had to blink back the tears of frusteration and exhaustion more than once, especially when I thought about how badly I needed a hug with full knowledge that I would just come home to the cat poop and barf on the floor and a roommate just back from a two month vacation who has no concept of how tired I am.
But, at work, I still had to figure out why no one would remove the dead toe on one of my paitents. Got yelled at repeatedly by vascular surgery. Had to swallow my pride for at least the 50th time as I thanked them for coming to see my patient finally. At least the ortho guy was nicer.
At the end of it all, I had to update the sign out, call the poor intern stepping into my shoes to update him on the patients, finish my notes from this morning and put them in all the charts. It was now close to 8 pm and the caf was almost closed. I knew I had no food at home so might as well eat dinner there, too. Sloppy Joes.
Actually better than I expected. I ate alone at a back table of the cafeteria. By the time I finished, there was smoke pouring out of the grill area where they were "cleaning" the grill. I snuck back in for a cheesecake and hurried out to the outside world.
Where it was raining. The smoke alarm went off as I was walking away from the hospital.
And my car wouldn't start. It was harder than usual to fix. I haven't had any time to go get the new part I need. And it's way overdue for an oil change.
Some days I should just stay in bed. Today was one of those days.
I start a new rotation tomorrow and I don't even know where I'm supposed to go. And there's the pediatric holiday party tomorrow night and I have no one who can go with me. And I just feel completely stupid and ugly and worthless and alone.
I should have just stayed in bed. Ugh!
posted by S. at 9:32 PM
3 Comments:
awww. That sounds really gross. What's was really disturbing to my stomach was the proximity of the dead toe comment to the sloppy joe picture.
i cried when i read your post b/c as an IM intern i (unfortunately) have had many experiences such as yours...especially the part where u said that after having a crappy day needing a hug more than anything, and coming back to an 'empty' house....my family lives in CA and i stupidly decided to stay on the east coast b/c of a guy w/ whom i've since broken-up..hmmm i should get my own blog to vent...anyway, just wanted to say i feel your pain! *HUG* Hope things are looking better now..i
Dear i,
Thank you so much for your reply. It does help to know there are others out there. Though not so great to know that more people can be this miserable at once. It can only get better, I suppose. Thanks for the hug...and it's never too late to transfer. My program is looking to adding two more positions sometime soon.
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