Wonder

I usually wake up with a song or a phrase in my head. Lately it's been "the wonder that's keeping the stars apart." I couldn't place it but it kept rattling around in my head. Bumping into thoughts about my new onset seizure patient who failed his driver's test yesterday. "the wonder that's keeping the stars apart" Running into my thoughts of my parents divorce. Colliding with my new/old relationships. "the wonder that's keeping the stars apart" Wrapping itself around the yarn I've been distractedly crocheting into teenie weenie beenies for my patients. "the wonder that's keeping the stars apart"

I googled it tonight; it's part of ee cumming's "i carry your heart" poem.

I can't google why it's been in my head, though. I wish I could.

I've been anxiously sharply distracted lately. Multitasking to keep my mind busy. Leaping ahead of myself. On the next thought before I'd finished the first one. And then crashing into all of them at once and landing on my ass.

I don't know what it is. Friends says it's because I'm stressed. I don't feel particularly stressed, not more than usual, anyway. Maybe that's the problem. I've learned to live with it to the point that I don't even recognize it anymore.

My job is a constant source of struggle, good struggle mostly, but still. And sometimes frustration. Especially in the winter at a children's hospital; patients are waiting in the ER for 12 hours regularly. I see them lined up outside even at 6 am when I drive up to work. It's not the patients, only, however, it's the system sometimes. The fact that I have to write re-admit orders for a patient who just went to the OR for PICC line placement under anesthesia. The fact that I can't even start a hypertensive med without running it by one of the attendings. There are attendings who will give me more input and let me make suggestions, but not all.

Then there's the divorce. It's so dumb. Both my parents are intermittently a wreck.

I'm sleep deprived.

I was trying to go off my lexapro. (bad timing--what was I thinking?)

I'm having a string of feeling fat days.

There's the whole relationship change issues.


But why "the wonder that's keeping the stars apart"?

Because there is still wonder.

I had clinic yesterday and one of my four year old well child checks was a cute little girl all dressed up in a tiny red blazer for Valentine's Day. She was there with her mom and older sister. She spoke only Spanish, so I did my best. She kept giving me Hershey's kisses and even a hug. I like being able to make her happy. I like being in the position to help figure out why she's having vague abdominal pain and making sure she'll see the dentist when she needs too. I like being able to give her the "Reach out and Read" books.

It's a privilege to be a doctor. Even an intern. It's a lot of work. People can't believe that I work 3o hour stretches without sleep. I do. It may not be the best way for the system to work, but the rewards are there, even at 3 am when you admit someone who needs you.

"the wonder that's keeping the stars apart"