A Wish Your Heart Makes

I didn't want to leave the last post like the previous one. I am feeling better overall in peaks and valleys. There are time when the hurt is still very very present, but there are also times (becoming more frequent, thankfully) that I can see beyond all of this into some sort of future.

My friends have been a great help and healing...even just knowing you're all out there and getting messages and email and talking and knowing that I can call when I need to has been a great comfort. Thank you.

The trick is to not let myself swirl down into hurt and self-pity. I am trying to focus on my strengths and refocus on loving. It's not always easy and there have been a few pretty ugly and scary break-downs (my mom wanted to admit me to the psych ward--having worked there, I know they wouldn't have taken me anyway).

It was worst at the beginning when I didn't know what to do or how to think or what was going to happen. One of the worst parts was not even talking to M. He felt awful to have hurt me so much...and still does.

We're talking again and seeing if we can get through this. He's not sure why he made such a big mistake and it makes him questions his ability to commit and be close to me (or anyone--or so he says). He's not sure he wants to be with me even though I'm trying to give him another chance.

As for me I still feel very hurt and betrayed and not sure how to regain trust in him. It's not helping that he isn't sure if he wants to be with me. Though I do believe that he loves me still (more than he has anyone else). And I love him.

That's the hard part; you can't just turn off loving someone. You can't just forget all that you've been through or all of the plans you had together or the dreams that may now never come true.