It Lights the Whole Sky
I love surfing. When I fall asleep now, worried about starting work again tomorrow in a new supervisory role, the waves lull me to sleep.
Yesterday morning when I went out, I met Pop there. He was young and strong and wanted to join me. He told me all about how much he loved my grandmother. He never remarried. He never met another one to top her, or even come close. He told me he's happy to be back with her. He told me not to worry about work tomorrow. He thinks I'm a genius and that I'll be fine. "Don't let it get to you, Shug. You'll be fine, Sis." Today after reviewing the patients I'll be covering tomorrow and surfing again and putting things into perspective, I believe him.
I was the only one in the water yesterday morning; the waves were little and it was early. There was one fisherman on the beach. I sort of liked having the place to myself; plus the paddling and practice are good for me. I thought about the patience it takes to wait for the right wave. I thought about how recognizing it for me is intertwined with fearing it. If it is going to break right to be caught, my emotional reaction is a combination of excitement and fear. That is how I recognize the challenge. That is how I recognize the right wave.
Those were the stanzas in poems which always drew me in when I used to write about them. The opaque transitions or confusing parts. That challenge is what drew me to medicine also. It's not all the scientific challenge, either. It's an emotional opportunity for constant growth and examination of life and self.
During my bike ride errands yesterday, I also got a haircut for the first time since November 2006. Yep. The hair cut lady (beautician?) was kinda shocked, too. It just hasn't been a priority for me. She said the ends were a mess. Granted. She cut two inches off. It was wet from the ocean, probably with some seaweed in it, when I took it out of a bun for her to cut. "Did you just shampoo it?" she asked noticing my damp hair. Not exactly. So I followed her to the funny sink with the neck dip in it.
Later, another bike ride when my neighbors got home from work found Jane and Joe and me running out on the rocks at the jetty again. I scampered ahead of them, barefooted and concentrating on each next step. I stopped to sit and stare at the water lapping gently over the rocks while they exclaimed over sea stars and crabs. I want to be scattered in the ocean. For a moment, I even found myself wanting to drown a little.
I made risotto for the three of us when we got back. It feels good to be cooking more again. Good to be trying new recipes and flavors and expanding. I felt like a threatened pill bug since the lupus diagnosis. Now I feel like me again. I'm going to play in the sun.
I'm in and out of peace. I remember it and seek it but I can't always find it. I just have to trust that it remains. I practice loving the world, and forgiving its indiscretions and my own peace becomes easier to find. And the sun rises--everyday.
Even
After
All this time
The sun never says to the earth
"You owe me."
Look
What happens
With a love like that.
It lights the
Whole Sky.
~Hafiz
Yesterday morning when I went out, I met Pop there. He was young and strong and wanted to join me. He told me all about how much he loved my grandmother. He never remarried. He never met another one to top her, or even come close. He told me he's happy to be back with her. He told me not to worry about work tomorrow. He thinks I'm a genius and that I'll be fine. "Don't let it get to you, Shug. You'll be fine, Sis." Today after reviewing the patients I'll be covering tomorrow and surfing again and putting things into perspective, I believe him.
I was the only one in the water yesterday morning; the waves were little and it was early. There was one fisherman on the beach. I sort of liked having the place to myself; plus the paddling and practice are good for me. I thought about the patience it takes to wait for the right wave. I thought about how recognizing it for me is intertwined with fearing it. If it is going to break right to be caught, my emotional reaction is a combination of excitement and fear. That is how I recognize the challenge. That is how I recognize the right wave.
Those were the stanzas in poems which always drew me in when I used to write about them. The opaque transitions or confusing parts. That challenge is what drew me to medicine also. It's not all the scientific challenge, either. It's an emotional opportunity for constant growth and examination of life and self.
During my bike ride errands yesterday, I also got a haircut for the first time since November 2006. Yep. The hair cut lady (beautician?) was kinda shocked, too. It just hasn't been a priority for me. She said the ends were a mess. Granted. She cut two inches off. It was wet from the ocean, probably with some seaweed in it, when I took it out of a bun for her to cut. "Did you just shampoo it?" she asked noticing my damp hair. Not exactly. So I followed her to the funny sink with the neck dip in it.
Later, another bike ride when my neighbors got home from work found Jane and Joe and me running out on the rocks at the jetty again. I scampered ahead of them, barefooted and concentrating on each next step. I stopped to sit and stare at the water lapping gently over the rocks while they exclaimed over sea stars and crabs. I want to be scattered in the ocean. For a moment, I even found myself wanting to drown a little.
I made risotto for the three of us when we got back. It feels good to be cooking more again. Good to be trying new recipes and flavors and expanding. I felt like a threatened pill bug since the lupus diagnosis. Now I feel like me again. I'm going to play in the sun.
I'm in and out of peace. I remember it and seek it but I can't always find it. I just have to trust that it remains. I practice loving the world, and forgiving its indiscretions and my own peace becomes easier to find. And the sun rises--everyday.
Even
After
All this time
The sun never says to the earth
"You owe me."
Look
What happens
With a love like that.
It lights the
Whole Sky.
~Hafiz
posted by S. at 6:51 PM
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