Thunderstorm Rambling
The weather is perfect here. I mean perfect. Sixty-eight to 72 degrees year round. Lots of sun. Slight ocean breeze. Perfect.
And despite loving it and feeling refreshed by the ocean waves and the sun and the breeze, sometimes I want a thunderstorm.
Tonight I bought a thunderstorm on iTunes. $9.99. Ten dollars for a thunderstorm. I know it's not the same as the real thing, but it's the closest I'm going to get here in the land of perfect weather.
I'd been wanting a thunderstorm for a while. This ways I got the bonus "Rainshower," "Rolling Thunder," "Southern Swamp," etc. I can just play them on repeat and be in control of my audio weather whenever I need a good sky cry.
That along with my day off and some introspection got me thinking about my life. Always a bit of a dangerous undertaking, particularly for me for some reason...or maybe for everyone and no one really talks about it too much.
I remember when I was getting my letters of recommendation together for med school. One of my literature professors said it was the first letter of the sort that she'd written. She said it was a shame I wasn't going into literary reviews--that I was very imaginative and natural with it--but that I guess we needed doctors with those skills too. In the end, I knew that the writing was too constantly and consitently close to thinking about myself. It turned all of my thoughts inward and asked me to constantly question and evaluate and critique all human behavior and knowledge and desires.
In a way, medicine is similar, but it's much more turned outward. It of course touches and affects who you are, but it also has the "rules" of science and the ample social aspect to dilute the introspection and self-analysis that can get me so tied up into teleologic knots.
The thunderstorm wish got me thinking about how I seem to often want something different than that which I have. It snows, and I want the beach. It is sunny and I want a thunderstorm. He leaves me and I want him to stay. He stays and I want him to go. I'm not the only one--I know of at least a few others in my own family.
And maybe there are more closet wonderers out there.
Maybe they're all the INFPs of the world (Meyer Briggs)--idealists who can become disillusioned. It's a tough road. My dad is one, too. When he found out that I'd taken the test and was the same as him, his first response was, "Oh no! I'm sorry." Really.
It always seems to leave me thinking about how things could be better. Trying to change them. Then getting sometimes frusterated if they are not as good as I know they could be. Not only for myself, for the families at the hospital, for the patients in the wards, for the homeless people who sleep on the benches along the boardwalk, and for me, too.
I've always had fantasies about what my future would be like. In comparing my present to what I thought it would be, it's professionally better than I could have imagined. I love the career I've chosen. It opens so much opportunity for growth and change and help. It's a lot of work and stress, but I can handle that. In fact, I even seem to do better with more stimulation.
Personally, my life is not quite what I pictured. Instead of taking care of everyone else's babies, I thought I'd have one of my own by now. At least one. Or at least someone with whom I wanted to have children.
Many women doctors, by the nature of their career choice, don't have children until they are AMA ("Advanced Maternal Age" = 35). It's a trade-off that I'm not sure we all thought that much about when starting medical school.
Anyway, when I step back and look at the bigger pattern of my life, there is always that element of "the grass is greener."
I would be with someone nice and want the "rebel" man instead. I would be with him and then want him to treat me nicely like the first guy had. At what point does it come back to me just deciding what and who I want? At what point is it me deciding to be satisfied with the grass I have? "One bird in hand in worth two in the bush."
When do I decide to just accept situations for what they are instead of always trying to change them and improve them? And in the process, and by comparison with my vision of what it "should" be, becoming dissatisfied with the way that it actually is.
I get my sunny ocean surf, and what do I do? Buy a thunderstorm.
And despite loving it and feeling refreshed by the ocean waves and the sun and the breeze, sometimes I want a thunderstorm.
Tonight I bought a thunderstorm on iTunes. $9.99. Ten dollars for a thunderstorm. I know it's not the same as the real thing, but it's the closest I'm going to get here in the land of perfect weather.
I'd been wanting a thunderstorm for a while. This ways I got the bonus "Rainshower," "Rolling Thunder," "Southern Swamp," etc. I can just play them on repeat and be in control of my audio weather whenever I need a good sky cry.
That along with my day off and some introspection got me thinking about my life. Always a bit of a dangerous undertaking, particularly for me for some reason...or maybe for everyone and no one really talks about it too much.
I remember when I was getting my letters of recommendation together for med school. One of my literature professors said it was the first letter of the sort that she'd written. She said it was a shame I wasn't going into literary reviews--that I was very imaginative and natural with it--but that I guess we needed doctors with those skills too. In the end, I knew that the writing was too constantly and consitently close to thinking about myself. It turned all of my thoughts inward and asked me to constantly question and evaluate and critique all human behavior and knowledge and desires.
In a way, medicine is similar, but it's much more turned outward. It of course touches and affects who you are, but it also has the "rules" of science and the ample social aspect to dilute the introspection and self-analysis that can get me so tied up into teleologic knots.
The thunderstorm wish got me thinking about how I seem to often want something different than that which I have. It snows, and I want the beach. It is sunny and I want a thunderstorm. He leaves me and I want him to stay. He stays and I want him to go. I'm not the only one--I know of at least a few others in my own family.
And maybe there are more closet wonderers out there.
Maybe they're all the INFPs of the world (Meyer Briggs)--idealists who can become disillusioned. It's a tough road. My dad is one, too. When he found out that I'd taken the test and was the same as him, his first response was, "Oh no! I'm sorry." Really.
It always seems to leave me thinking about how things could be better. Trying to change them. Then getting sometimes frusterated if they are not as good as I know they could be. Not only for myself, for the families at the hospital, for the patients in the wards, for the homeless people who sleep on the benches along the boardwalk, and for me, too.
I've always had fantasies about what my future would be like. In comparing my present to what I thought it would be, it's professionally better than I could have imagined. I love the career I've chosen. It opens so much opportunity for growth and change and help. It's a lot of work and stress, but I can handle that. In fact, I even seem to do better with more stimulation.
Personally, my life is not quite what I pictured. Instead of taking care of everyone else's babies, I thought I'd have one of my own by now. At least one. Or at least someone with whom I wanted to have children.
Many women doctors, by the nature of their career choice, don't have children until they are AMA ("Advanced Maternal Age" = 35). It's a trade-off that I'm not sure we all thought that much about when starting medical school.
Anyway, when I step back and look at the bigger pattern of my life, there is always that element of "the grass is greener."
I would be with someone nice and want the "rebel" man instead. I would be with him and then want him to treat me nicely like the first guy had. At what point does it come back to me just deciding what and who I want? At what point is it me deciding to be satisfied with the grass I have? "One bird in hand in worth two in the bush."
When do I decide to just accept situations for what they are instead of always trying to change them and improve them? And in the process, and by comparison with my vision of what it "should" be, becoming dissatisfied with the way that it actually is.
I get my sunny ocean surf, and what do I do? Buy a thunderstorm.
posted by S. at 8:30 PM
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