Fathers of Newborns

It wouldn't be fair or complete to write about mothers of newborns and leave out the fathers.

The difference between the first time fathers and the old hands is usually very striking. With the first child, the father looks in complete wonder at his small bundle of baby that he helped create. The reaction to the second, third, or fourth varies, but for the first child he just stares in ever-increasing exhausted wonder.

"I can't take my eyes off of her," says the father of a particularly beautiful little girl. He is black and his wife is a serene breath-takingly beautiful woman he met in Japan while teaching English over there. I learn to say "cute" (k-a-wai) and "beautiful" (uruwashii) in Japanese. I tell them their baby is beautiful, the dad is surprised, "Really?" "Yeah. Not all babies look alike. And she is beautiful." "But she looks like the babies I have seen on TV." "Exactally. They only put the beautiful babies on TV." "Oh." And he goes back to staring at his beautiful daughter.

"I was there for the whole thing!" this from an enthusiastic and involved 19 year old Hispanic father who explains that he was there for all the prenatal visits and the delivery and cut the cord. He hovers over his daughter, carefully and proficiently wrapping her up when we are finished examining. So proud.

One of the jobs I have been giving to the Dads is to install the base of the carseat at some point while their wife and baby are sleeping. Sometimes it is trickier and more difficult than it seems it should be. And it can take a while if it's your first time doing it. I even vaugely remember reading somewhere that 90% of them are installed incorrectly. So they have to pay particular attention to the manual and the details of the installation.

"I am so tired now that I can sleep on anything," says one of the Indian dads who could barely sleep the first night in the hospital due to the discomfort of the fold out squeaky cot in the hospital room. He has looked progressively more tired each morning. His son has exceptionally long toes and we ask who's toes those are. "If they're big, they're mine," he admits with a sleepy smile. As the attending is doing the exam on the baby, dad asks me how to open the new pill packaging. It's one of those tear apart then tear up the inner corner ones. I tell him he needs to grow fingernails to get it open..."or just have your son do it with their toes." Fortunately, in their sleep deprived state, they still think this is funny.

Then the fathers with their later children become either confidently proud, supportive, and attentive or distant and removed. Fortunately much more of the former than the latter.

"Sure, I remember how to burrito wrap [aka swaddle the baby]."

"When can she come home to take care of the other kids? I have to get back to work."

Then one of my favorites, again a first time dad, though, with his little girl. We try to put the mom and baby "skin to skin" right after birth so the baby can get some of the colostrum before she becomes very tired for the next 24 hours. Baby has only the diaper on and is inside mom's gown against her bare chest where she can hear her heart beat. It is very soothing for the baby and great bonding for the mom. The fun thing is, is that dads can do this too. No milk, of course, but they can still warm and comfort the little one right up against their chest.

It is fun to tell them this and then demonstrate it for the first time. He doesn't even have to take off his t-shirt. We usually just pull out the collar a little and slide the baby in. She'll stop crying immediately. And dad gets this amazed look on face as he holds her gingerly in his shirt.

So I did this with one of the Asian fathers. His t-shirt collar was too tight so we came up from the tummy part of it and popped his little girl's head out of the collar nestled right by his neck. He looked a little bowled over and shocked and very pleased.

"What do you think?" I ask.

"I like it," he looks at the warm little body that he helped create curled up contentedly on his chest, "but I'm hot."