Saturday, June 10, 2006

I Miss my Therapist

I am worried.

I am worried about starting residnecy and worried about how I will do and if people will like me. Worried about starting over in a new place and meeting new people. Worried that I will mess up and hurt someone. Worried that I already have. Worried that I make bad choices in relationships and worried that it will happen again. Worried that I won't be able to sleep. Worried about my parents. I am worried I won't be able to get the refill on my Lexapro in time. I am worried I will get lost. I am worried about getting along with my new roommate. I am worried I won't know enough.

That covers at least some of it. Classic GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) characteristics. I get myself all worked up into a fret and then just think around in circles and worry worry worry and then can't see clearly enough to get back out of it. The trick is to derail my thoughts when I see it starting. Just sometimes it gets to be too late and I get stuck. Like now. Well, actually better now than yesterday. Boy was that a mess.

There are so many details to do with starting residency and taking care of things that I'm worried I will forget something important and I hate to mess up. I am hard on myself that way. I have a difficult time forgiving myself and letting go when I do something wrong.

I try to imagine what Dr. D or Dr. L would say. The last thing that Dr. L said to me was to work on figuring out what I want...and then not feeling guilty about wanting whatever it is. He is a lot like me, he said. I want to run far far away. "Please God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far far away." "Run, far far away, find comfort in pain. All pleasure's the same. It just keeps you from trouble. Hide my true shape like Dorian Gray."

But I can't run away. I like the consequences of that even less than those involved in staying. I try to remind myself how very lucky I am. Shoot I got my top choice residency. I am moving to San Diego. It is beautiful there. I have an apartment right across from the beach. I am going to be a doctor. If I can ever calm down enough (which I know I will from past fret sessions...they pass) my patients will like me. I have good health (physically at least). My family loves me. My friends love me. My brother is getting married. His fiance is wonderful. I get to be in the wedding. I have more ceramics (that I made) than I know what to do with. They are bursting out of the seams of my room at the moment. I have three Rookwood pieces from my dad. My car runs. Pop is doing well. He got me new tires for graduation. I have some money saved. I will have an income soon. B. ordered me cool sandals that will come to SD.

This blog is a stream of consciousness/polar opposites. My mind is racing between one extreme and the other. And I need to actually get up and pack my car so I can be ready to leave tomorrow morning early with Becky so we can get to Monteray in time to see B. pitch in his baseball game.

My close friends are frusterated with me because they feel that they haven't made any difference in my life because I am still in touch with Michael. They ask why I still talk to him. What I see in him. If I still want to be with him. Tell me I should relive some of the hurt he put me through. I know I am frusterating. I can be inconsistant and that is annoying to other people. Annoying to me, too. I guess it just all comes down to figuring out what I want and getting that. The hardest part for me, by far, is figuring out what I want. Once I have the goal, I am tenacious enough to usually get it.

Perhaps that is part of the reason, besides loving him, that I can't seem to cut Michael loose. I hate to give up. Being with him was a goal for so long that is has become ingrained in me. The thing is that I feel more single than anything most of the time. I don't feel like I'm in a real relationship with anyone at the moment. And I don't feel like I want to be.

I told Michael that treating me the way he'd done was simply not allowed. That he was going to have to grow and change and become the person that he wants to be before anything further was going to progress with us. "I need to see proof," I told him. I want him to get into therapy when he gets to Miami. I want him to like himself and be proud of himself and not make stupid choices that mess everything up. We'll see if he does any of that. He says he feels like he is finally growing up. That he's tired of party boy life style and that it hasn't really been fun for a while anyway. "So do I just fit into this new vision you want of yourself?" I ask. "No, I want us to be together." He talks about transferring to SD after a year in Miami. I keep reminding him that, after all he's put me through, my being there to be with him again is conditional. I'm sick of taking his guilt trips and having him turn this around on me. He was going to come see me this weekend but had to study instead. When he cancelled on me, I told him, "This isn't going to work." He had a fit and begged and explained. We'll see what happens. I honestly don't know what will.

So back to what S. and J. have done for me: given me courage to demand what I want. Supported me when I crash and burn. What they want to do is to change who I am...for what they see as making me better for myself. I sometimes get frusterated with that because I'm stubborn and don't like to change unless I see it for myself. Granted I see much validity in what they want me to do. And it helps when they give me assignments and talk to me...it just seems to be going too slow for them. They don't see any changes I guess. And the only change they will really be happy with seems to be stopping all communication with Michael. That seems to be the only thing that will make anyone in my life happy right now...short of Michael...and me (most of the time).

So I don't want them to get hurt and frusterated. They are both too wonderful and I don't want to be the cause of anyone feeling that way...particularly my closest friends. So I push them away for (what I tell myself) is their own good. But maybe it's just me hiding my head it a hole again and hoping the sun will be back out when I bring it back up.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

My therapy ended yesterday and the thought that I will never be able see and speak with her is fucked up.
I miss her so much.

8:06 AM, June 11, 2010  

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