Saturday, August 11, 2007

First Day of My Life

I miss having energy to get up and do things. I have ideas in my head. Sometimes I carry them out in my dreams. But more often than not it seems that is where they stop. I went to breakfast with some friends today and then I could barely stand up long enough to go to the library and get the three mystery books so distract me. I start to get dizzy and weak. I made it back here and fell asleep for a solid two hours. Hot and in my clothes with my door open.

I'm flaring now. I think it's the first that I've been aware of. I got sent home from work on Thursday. The fellow said I had "pain in my eyes." It's true my entire body was hurting (and still does a bit). It was hard to stand because my knees and back hurt so much. Lab test are back, too. dsDNA is elevated again. It's the hours in the NICU (and a host of other strossors right now) that does it to me, I think. All I've been able to do is sleep. I keep meaning to do my dishes. I did make it out to dinner with my aunt and uncle last night but I got home and I was again exhausted. It takes so little to wear me out.

I went straight to my doctor from work on Thursday. Cried to her. I had being the "weak link"--the one they have to send home and call in cross cover for. The one who can't finish a call month. She called my rheumatologist and my hematologist. They recommended a few minor changes and she told me to go home and sleep.

I heard today that I'm "done with the NICU." They rearranged the schedule to have others cover it for me. I don' tknow quite what that means. I have some phone calls to make on Monday.

I'm afraid that I can't finish this now. In complete honestly, I'm not sure I want to if it makes me feel like this and sucks so much life out of me. I was okay during the out patient month with regular hours. It's these calls that I can't seem to manage well. Ben (another resident in the program)was helpful to talk with today.

I'm thinking of all sorts of options. In my fantasy world, I just want to quit, or at least take some time off, and find a center again. It won't be the same one that I knew at times before. I can't seem to manage to keep up with that one anymore. I'd do ceramics. I'd do some easy job. I'd listen to music and bake again. Maybe I'd meet someone who is okay with this new me. Maybe we'd start a family.

Reality sets in with loan repayments. Other options include switching to just pediatrics and droping the medicine half. I'll get my license in a few months, too. I could get a job in some smaller clinic then. I just wouldn't be able to be board certified in anything.

In my fantasy world, I'd still have time and energy to do triathlons and go for hikes and work out and go in the sun and visit friends and not be completely exhausted afterwards. Maybe that's just the flare though.



The First Day of My Life Lyrics
Artist(Band):Bright Eyes

This is the first day of my life
Swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain
Suddenly everything changed
They're spreadin' blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
Think I was blind before I met you
I don't know where I am
I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go
So I thought I'd let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realized that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

I remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange
You said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said,
This is the first day of my life,
Glad I didn't die before I met you
But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy.

So if you wanna be with me
With these things there's no telling
We'll just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides maybe this time it's different
I mean I really think you'll like me...

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