Back to Work!
I'm back to work today. I walked by my old room where I spent 10 days as a patient. It is strange that someone else is in that room, staring out that window maybe. I spent a lot of time staring out that window. And now I wander by in the white coat and it is entirely different. I don't get the same looks anymore, just blend into the background a bit more. I do get to walk wherever I want, though. Nurses station, doctor's work room. Wherever.
I put on the white coat and pager and name badge when I left home, "I'm a doctor again," I told Steve as he walked me out to my car, trying on the words as much as the coat. It felt good to be doing something again. Something useful and contributory to the world and my future. I was worried, but now that I'm here at the hospital, I feel fine. It comes back to you, I suppose. Like riding a very complicated bike.
I have more patience now with the nurses and patients, having been there, maybe, or just being well rested. I never did look at the patients as just a diagnosis too much, but I surely don't now. I know it's not fun to be there in those beds. I understand that and sympathize and don't feel annoyed when nurses call with questions or patient requests. That's what I'm here for, after all. If I can make this whole thing easier, I want to.
I hear some of my collegues talking about the "interesting" patient, or the "cool line" they got to put in, or the "hot mystery case." I have trouble seperating myself from that anymore. Every blood draw is a stick. Every neuro check is a bright light in the middle of the night. Every drip line is an anchor. Every confusion is a patient who doesn't understand their diagnosis or plan of treatment.
The nights are long in those hospital beds. So are the days.
I was lucky enough to have people almost always with me. I'm not sure how it's tolerable otherwise. In solitude, pain, illness, uncertainty, probably fear.
I think of my patients who I wish I'd talked to more and explained things to them. I've learned. I'll do better next time. This time. Every time.
I get to sleep in the call room tonight. I get to walk around without the iv pole. I get to take the stairs if I want. Best of all, I get to leave when my work is done.
I put on the white coat and pager and name badge when I left home, "I'm a doctor again," I told Steve as he walked me out to my car, trying on the words as much as the coat. It felt good to be doing something again. Something useful and contributory to the world and my future. I was worried, but now that I'm here at the hospital, I feel fine. It comes back to you, I suppose. Like riding a very complicated bike.
I have more patience now with the nurses and patients, having been there, maybe, or just being well rested. I never did look at the patients as just a diagnosis too much, but I surely don't now. I know it's not fun to be there in those beds. I understand that and sympathize and don't feel annoyed when nurses call with questions or patient requests. That's what I'm here for, after all. If I can make this whole thing easier, I want to.
I hear some of my collegues talking about the "interesting" patient, or the "cool line" they got to put in, or the "hot mystery case." I have trouble seperating myself from that anymore. Every blood draw is a stick. Every neuro check is a bright light in the middle of the night. Every drip line is an anchor. Every confusion is a patient who doesn't understand their diagnosis or plan of treatment.
The nights are long in those hospital beds. So are the days.
I was lucky enough to have people almost always with me. I'm not sure how it's tolerable otherwise. In solitude, pain, illness, uncertainty, probably fear.
I think of my patients who I wish I'd talked to more and explained things to them. I've learned. I'll do better next time. This time. Every time.
I get to sleep in the call room tonight. I get to walk around without the iv pole. I get to take the stairs if I want. Best of all, I get to leave when my work is done.
posted by S. at 9:19 PM
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