Replaceable
Charlie is a butthead. So I'm sitting on the couch watching the end of "Father of the Bride" and I smell something. Once it reaches my consciousness I know what it is immediately. Not only did he hairball barf on the carpet twice (one of which was there before P. left and she didn't clean it up), he also decided that it would be a good message to me to poop not fifteen feet behind me in plain view (and smell). I got mad and swatted him. Then opened the door hoping he'd walk out and get hit by traffic. He did go out, but they I felt just a little bad...just barely enough to chase him back in. Maybe it will stop him from pooping next time. Not likely, but I tried the nice approach and it didn't work either.
Lots of people are outside having fun at something right now. I wish I were having fun. I don't so much remember how. I feel all bitter inside. I don't like feeling that way. I used to think this was the perfect place to live and now I just keep finding things wrong with it...and everything else in my life. I think I am already burnt out.
Did you know there are four stages to burnout? I can only remember the first and last: over-enthusiasm and burnout. The others are a blur as you experience them, too. Maybe that's why I don't remember them. I don't think it would be so bad if I actually felt like I were having an influence on anyone. Right now the only people I feel like I affect are (maybe) the third year students. Maybe. And even one of them the other day asked me who evaluates them. So I asked my senior. She and the attendings evaluate them. I don't know why I thought I would have any input. I don't have input into anything else.
That's why I think I'm replaceable. It's just a signature. We sign out. One signature or resident to call is just as good as another. And we have so much to do in so little time that we can't even sit and do anything thoroughly. I had a little time to sit with the parents of a little girl with a bad rash today and then I had to leave because I got a page that a nurse needed preauthorization for a insurance company of a patient I was discharging on my cross cover. I was lost in 30 minutes of insurance phone tree only to be told twice that I'd called the wrong number and to ultimately find out that the preauthorization department is closed on the weekend. So this family has to pay out of pocket (if they even can) for a medicine that can stop their five year old boy from having a seizure if he starts. Kind of an important medicine. Kind of should have at least one person in the office to let people get it if they need it on the weekends. Well, at least we know that seizures only happen on Monday through Friday.
My big sib gave me some advice, "Don't bitch." He said there is too much bitching around the hospital, especially on peds and not to add to it. I agree with that in principle. I don't like to add to the negative atmosphere, but there comes a time when you have to make some noise to be heard. Bitching to fellow residents is one thing. Raising concerns about systemic problems is another. I don't think any residency is easy, but I honestly think this one could use a lot of work. It's set up to overwork residents and frustrate patients' families with the inevitable mixed messages. The system was way better in 'Nati. Even at the U. And that is pathetic.
We don't even see the patients with an attending. We see them with the senior resident. The attendings come around randomly later with the fellows and leave notes which are really elaborate "to do" lists for us to find in the charts and carry out orders. This is not a great way to teach us independent thinking.
I am frustrated. And tired. But at least no longer hungry. And I have tomorrow off.
Lots of people are outside having fun at something right now. I wish I were having fun. I don't so much remember how. I feel all bitter inside. I don't like feeling that way. I used to think this was the perfect place to live and now I just keep finding things wrong with it...and everything else in my life. I think I am already burnt out.
Did you know there are four stages to burnout? I can only remember the first and last: over-enthusiasm and burnout. The others are a blur as you experience them, too. Maybe that's why I don't remember them. I don't think it would be so bad if I actually felt like I were having an influence on anyone. Right now the only people I feel like I affect are (maybe) the third year students. Maybe. And even one of them the other day asked me who evaluates them. So I asked my senior. She and the attendings evaluate them. I don't know why I thought I would have any input. I don't have input into anything else.
That's why I think I'm replaceable. It's just a signature. We sign out. One signature or resident to call is just as good as another. And we have so much to do in so little time that we can't even sit and do anything thoroughly. I had a little time to sit with the parents of a little girl with a bad rash today and then I had to leave because I got a page that a nurse needed preauthorization for a insurance company of a patient I was discharging on my cross cover. I was lost in 30 minutes of insurance phone tree only to be told twice that I'd called the wrong number and to ultimately find out that the preauthorization department is closed on the weekend. So this family has to pay out of pocket (if they even can) for a medicine that can stop their five year old boy from having a seizure if he starts. Kind of an important medicine. Kind of should have at least one person in the office to let people get it if they need it on the weekends. Well, at least we know that seizures only happen on Monday through Friday.
My big sib gave me some advice, "Don't bitch." He said there is too much bitching around the hospital, especially on peds and not to add to it. I agree with that in principle. I don't like to add to the negative atmosphere, but there comes a time when you have to make some noise to be heard. Bitching to fellow residents is one thing. Raising concerns about systemic problems is another. I don't think any residency is easy, but I honestly think this one could use a lot of work. It's set up to overwork residents and frustrate patients' families with the inevitable mixed messages. The system was way better in 'Nati. Even at the U. And that is pathetic.
We don't even see the patients with an attending. We see them with the senior resident. The attendings come around randomly later with the fellows and leave notes which are really elaborate "to do" lists for us to find in the charts and carry out orders. This is not a great way to teach us independent thinking.
I am frustrated. And tired. But at least no longer hungry. And I have tomorrow off.
posted by S. at 8:39 PM
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